After about ten million years of "connecting," the Velocity show is finally ready to go as the videos go off and I hear the annoying voice of Steve Romero. Slow internet sucks especially when you don't know why it's slow.
The Dicks Vs. Funaki & Scotty 2 Hotty
Anyone else reminded of the Heart Throbs by the Dicks? With their ring gyrating while they take off their entrance gear, all I can think about is the goofy tag team from Raw and how quickly they got demoted over there. Hmm, I wonder if that will happen here. Anyway, this was a pretty bland tag team match between the two. It started off with some nice chain wrestling and basic holds/maneuvers that I thought was a good testament to how over Scotty and Funaki are. These guys got more over with a correct hip toss than Cena does with his modified version. Towards the middle of the match, the Legion of Doom made their way out because the Dicks cost them the tag titles (a fact the creative team just seemed to forget about in the past month or so) and they added an extra oomph to the match. By oomph, I mean no one gave a flying shit that these guys came out. From there, Scotty 2 Hotty became the face-in-peril of course and by God, the Dicks need to fix how they work over the peril guy. It was completely crap and I barely even believed Scotty was hurt. Well, to be fair, I never really believe that but I think you get my point. Funaki had a very nice hot tag that followed including a nice bulldog/Huricanrana spot to both the Dicks. What's sad is that he did the hot tag better than our current SmackDown! champion. Hmm, one match equals two instances where one or two of the faces here do something miles better than the champs of either brand. What's wrong with this equation? In the end, the Dicks hit their double-team slam followed by their version of the AMW Death Sentence and got the win to end the bland match.
Winners: The Dicks
Star Wrestler: Funaki
Besides the nice opening, the only thing I could stomach about the match was Funaki's hot tag that brought the fans to their feet. The Dicks suck really badly and I'm not trying to make a Josh Matthews joke there either. Scotty 2 Hotty got some nice offense in, but the majority of it was routine and set-up for the W-O-R-M so should I really provoke behavior like that? In any case, Funaki was the only real reason to watch the match and if you don't like Funaki, save yourself the trouble of seeing an offense mounted by the Dicks.
Since WWE can't go about twenty seconds without plugging something, we get a commercial hyping the Wrestlemania DVD box set which is good, if you have the money. Emphasis on "if you have the money."
Now for some reason, the next video match/segment doesn't really work one hundred percent as there is no visual, but rather audio. Well, naturally, Dean cuts a promo so I'm able to talk about that. He says he doesn't look too well because of his match with the Boogeyman and I can obviously attest to that. He talks about how he was dragged into the match. He says that since then, he can't sleep, hasn't shaven, and his workouts have faltered. Is that how WWE's going to try and explain the loss of physique with a lot of their stars because of the new drug policy? He says the crowd thinks it's a big joke and it sounds like the local jobber's laughing at Dean too because Dean gets pissed and nails him with what sounded like a kick.
Caprice Coleman Vs. Simon Dean
Still no video, but that shouldn't stop me! This match really showed me just how abysmal the commentating in WWE is. Josh Matthews is not that bad as he's supposed to be the color man, but Steve Romero is supposed to be the play-by-play guy and didn't call shit. From what I heard, Simon Dean was nailing Caprice with some repeated shots that shook the ring. The crowd gasped at times so I think some more high spots followed. Apparently, Caprice Coleman delivered two or three dropkicks that got huge pops. Actually, it sounds like Caprice made a very good comeback, but I missed it. After the comeback, it sounds like Dean hit the Simonizer for the win in a match I can give a definite five star rating.
Winner: Simon Dean
Star Wrestler: Caprice Coleman
From the sounds of it, Simon Dean didn't do too well in this match while Caprice Coleman had some nice dropkicks and an overall "impressive" comeback. Take into account that I'm judging this all on the crowd and Steve Romero. Ugh, I feel dirty.
Still without video, they hype up the Divas magazine which I can guess has some pictures of the scantily dressed ladies with horribly vacant looks on their faces. Just a wild guess. To my chagrin, the video comes back as they play a recap of the recent Taker-Orton saga which will yield a good match, but at what cost? Seriously, it all seems like it's out of a horror movie with worse acting and directing than a low-budget porn movie. Hopefully this upcoming episode of SD will try and salvage the storyline, but that's a very big hope.
Shooting Stars Vs. Full Blooded Italians
This was a pretty good match that actually had a heel-in-peril spot. Gasp! What is WWE thinking trying to differentiate tag matches now? Are they high? Anyway, it was basically a very well-done back and forth tag match which is what really needs to be done in WWE more often as opposed to just the face-in-peril spots. It started off with some very nice chain wrestling with Kendrick and Nunzio that saw Kendrick rolling through with Nunzio while Nunzio tried to get out of the hold. Good stuff right there. From there, it went back and forth before the Shooting Stars nailed Nunzio with a double arm drag accompanied by a nip up that Vito then followed up with a double clothesline. Great spot right there even if Vito did look out of place. Next, Kendrick became the face-in-peril as Nunzio was finally saved and the match kind of dropped a little which I have to blame on Vito. It's funny because the last time these two teams had a match, I said that Vito was the only good thing in the match (one of those rare off nights for London, Kendrick, and Nunzio), but now, he's the only bad thing in the match. He did do a nice split level splash onto Kendrick, but still looked a little sloppy and the guy just looked like he was rushing and rushing inside the ring as opposed to his cool, calm, and collected partner. Of course, London made the hot tag and we got some nice exchanges capped off with a double Superkick to each of the heels from the faces. Kendrick then did a step-off (off of London) plancha onto Vito to take him out. At first, it looked like they were going to sell the damn move; but again, they were up in less than ten freakin' seconds. God, just sell the damn move. It's a high impact move that some use as a finishing move and you can't even sell it for ten freakin' seconds! What the hell is wrong with you? To finish it off, London got Nunzio in a downward spiral position, and Kendrick nailed Nunzio with a kick to send him down with a harder "velocity" (I'm so funny) and get the win in a good match with only a few bad spots (thanks a lot, Vito).
Winners: Shooting Stars
Star Wrestler: Brian Kendrick
Brian Kendrick rocked tonight with his offense and selling, which is surprising because it's normally his partner I say that about. Both are good, but in the tag matches, London is most often the one who comes out looking like a million bucks to me. Anyway, Nunzio, Kendrick, and London were all actually very good in this match with Vito stinking it up with his cluttered running and offense, but in the end, Kendrick had the psychology down pat and with his ring presence, he made the crowd that much more pumped and shined as this match's star.
Before the main event, Sylvan decides to grace us with a promo, if you want to call it that. I could make so many jokes about it, but I think quoting the full thing for you readers will get the amount of hilarity I want. Here you go and remember to accent the "t" letter with a very idiotic drawl: "Ladies of South Carolina, tonight you're in for a treat. The original sex machine is in your town to party. So if you want to feel like the thousands of satisfied women, you just have to come down to my room "1369" at the Mariott hotel and please bring all your girlfriends." Promo of the year material, right?
Matt Hardy Vs. Sylvan
Wow. This was literally one of the worst matches I've seen in the past month. Holy shit, I need one of those flashy things from Men in Black now. There was absolutely nothing to write about in this match except for a punch here, kick there, clothesline, and random submission hold. Complete and utter crap and I feel so sorry that Matt Hardy has gone from his cage match at Unforgiven to this. Actually, there was one good thing. Sylvan got busted open the hard way just a little. May not be that exciting, but definitely better than the other crap they had going on in this match. In the end, Matt Hardy hit the Twist of Fate to cap off a truly horrible match.
Winner: Matt Hardy
Star Wrestler: Matt Hardy
Sylvan is just the worst wrestler in WWE right now bar none and he got my vote for worst wrestler of the year (which you can vote on by clicking here). At least guys like Snitsky and Tomko may do something good every now and then (Tomko's sweet brutal kicks in September) or give us a good match (Snitsky's matches with Kane were good I thought), but I have yet to see one thing Sylvan has done since breaking away from La Resistance that I can even call average. The guy is completely horrible and just needs to be wailed on in the middle of the ring with a chair for my amusement. Sadly, Matt Hardy didn't do that, but he tried to make a good match and that's really all it takes to get this praise in a match with Sylvan.
Well, tonight's Velocity was an odd ball. Four matches; one didn't have video, one was a damn fine tag match, one was a damn bland tag match, and one was one of the worst matches I've seen in recent memory. Definitely a weird episode of this web cast that's normally good and I'm really just going to leave it at that. I will say that you should go out of your way to watch the London/Kendrick match, but the rest is bland, invisible, or completely horrid. Take that for what it is.
With a week of bland WWE television behind me, I think I'm going to bring this review to an end. Up next is NWA-VA Action Zone with commentary by me (actual commentary on the video) which will most likely suck. The new JAPW show will follow that which will be the first show I've seen by them and then I'll round things off today with a Turning Point review. Today's going to be a fun day, kids! 'Till next time, this is "Squared Circle Reviews" signing off and hoping you enjoy what you watch, if you can even watch it.
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