To start off the show, WWE didn't feel like shaking up the same old formula and just gave us normal videos as well as a recap of the recent Randy Orton saga. Well, at least they gave us a recap of a feud we all know and love right? Anyway, we start the show up with some Michael Cole mike work which again, everyone loves, right? He mentions that we will have another match in the series between Benoit-Booker which could or could not be good. This is the match that's really going to cinch the deal as to how the series is going to play out. If it's good, we will probably have a good other four matches. If it's bad, it just means that the last match was a clear fluke and I will be a sad panda again!
Anyway, JBL is in the ring to start it off with a mike and an eye bandage to sell the "damages" the ref must have given him last week. JBL thanks the fans for their support through his injury and says that Sugar Ray Leonard actually ended his career because of an injury less severe than JBL's. Well, I might believe that simply because "real" athletes go out of the game with a sprained pinky finger while wrestlers work with broken necks sometimes. He says his doctor told him to end his "hall of fame" career and he again thanks the crowd again before ranting that he is bothered that people think he actually deserted Rey Mysterio. He says he stood by Rey through a terrible injury against the Big Show & Kane. I really hate it when heels try to alter reality. I mean, if he had said he was with Rey in spirit or couldn't compete because of the injury, it would have been miles better. Obviously you got "injured" and left three seconds later so don't try and change it. JBL says next that they lost because Mysterio didn't do his part. He then says that maybe he should retire to his life of money and wealth that only they can dream of, but he understands that people with more have to give to people with less. He knows they saved up they're hard-earned money to see him so he won't retire. He then takes off his bandage and squints a bit here and there and says he will give these people reason to live to see Mr. SmackDown! and that there is a wrestling god. Typical JBL promo, but still better than most others. Mysterio's lackluster music then his and we are going to get a match thankfully. Why did they have to replace the 619 music? It worked wonders and I almost had it memorized.
Rey Mysterio Vs. John Bradshaw Layfield
The match wasn't long and to be blunt, it wasn't that good either. I've seen some squashes better than this. They did some typical offense here and there highlighted by only good thing: some eye poking. Mysterio mocked JBL's eyesight and then followed it up by poking him in the eye twice. It's one of those face/heel move teases that you just have to love like Eddie cheating to win. From there, it just kind of got worse until it ended. JBL went on the outside and Rey hit a plancha to him. Not bad, but JBL was up in under thirty seconds and I thought we were back in TNA. I was just waiting for a run-in at this point to confirm my belief. JBL got in the ring and Mysterio went for a springboard move that he missed and hurt his ribs. Did JBL follow this up by working over Rey's ribs? No! What the hell is wrong with this guy? A wrestler gives you an opening, you take it. How hard is that to comprehend? Anyway, JBL hit a little more offense before Rey came back and set JBL up for the 619. As he went for it though, my suspicion of TNA was confirmed as Orlando Jordan ran out to end the match. What the hell is going on?
Winner: Rey Mysterio
Star Wrestler: Rey Mysterio
This was pretty bland and you can't really blame it on the time because they didn't use their time well at all. Yes, you only have like five minutes, but that doesn't mean you can't work over the ribs of Mysterio or sell the damn plancha. Mysterio gets this completely on default (although his eye poking was great) and JBL gets shamed by me. Shamed, I say!
As the two heels beat down Mysterio, Rey's partner at Armageddon ran down to save him from the onslaught. They run off of course and Batista stands tall. Teddy Long then comes out and says that it seems that JBL is getting cabinet back together so it will be JBL & Jordan against Batista and Rey Mysterio. The crowd pops a lot louder than the crowd did for the Elimination Chamber announcement on Raw, which is sad, and we go to another backstage segment.
We see Orton walking with a mission as his father tries and stops him. Orton says he's going to call out Undertaker and his father just hopes he knows what he's doing. I'm still virtually torn on the storyline Taker and Orton are doing now. They are having good matches, but this might be an unneeded twist like the Dominic angle in the summer. This is the show that will make me take a stance though. For some reason, I think it might push me into the realm of dislike too.
Commercial break times one equals a twelve minute stretch of television that saw a match and two segments. Is WWE sick or am I hallucinating? It may have sucked, but was better than a ten hour segment to start off the show. Well, maybe that's coming up next.
Coming back, we see an advertisement for the Hell in a Cell match at Armageddon which should be good even if you don't like the build-up. Orton then comes out to try and make up for his promo the week before hopefully. He does do a good job of acting scared and pissed at the same time, which is better then the arrogance he can normally only do. He calls out Taker and says he's tired of the mind games that aren't fair. Fair? What the hell? Anyway, Orton says he's messing with his head and it's working as he's almost close to snapping. So you're going to bitch about mind games not being fair and then give credit to him? What kind of heel tactic is this, boy? He goes on to say how he's sick with the mind games and is being driven nuts. As he says that, his music starts to hit with his titan tron, but it starts to garble, then speed up, then garble, then rewind, et cetera. Kind of like when someone messes up your tape. Do you guys remember tape cassettes or is this review geared toward a very young audience? Anyway, it stops and Orton says that's what he's talking about and starts to scream at Taker saying he doesn't want to fight, but wants him in the ring not at Hell in a Cell. He wants to resolve this man-to-man; he's begging him! He says it's time for them to finish what they started and tells him to come out and resolve it. Hmm, a cowardly Orton. Now, I know we've kind of seen that at Survivor Series and at other times this year, but really, not to this degree. I don't know if I'll be able to buy an arrogant Orton after this promo which isn't making up for last week's.
Orton waits for an answer in the ring, but nothing happens so he continues about how he knows Taker's here and he can feel his presence. He wants to finish it tonight and then begs Taker to come to the ring some more. God, whiny Orton sucks. Some heels work well whining, but definitely not Orton and this is really starting to drag. Orton then tells Taker not to do it this way and apologizes for how he's done things. He says he's done playing games and Taker's done so just come out. Enough already; end the damn segment! Orton gets a little more desperate with the "pleases" before the lights start to flicker with Taker's music and the crowd erupts. Sadly, they should know by now that Taker rarely appears on SmackDown! Seriously, the guy appears on one show a month which blows complete and utter goats. I'm a huge Taker mark and the guy is really in his prime right now if you ask me. He's just wasting it by never showing up and I know it must be his body, but if you can't do it full-time, you shouldn't do it at all or not be given such a big feud. Anyway, Taker's voice is on the Titantron reading some lines from Virgil about Hell as well as some other poets about some other things and then a highlight package of Taker's HIAC escapades is shown. Good satanic package, but really, by this point, I'm just long gone because of the drawn out whining by Orton. After the package, Taker's voice comes on and he cuts another promo that reminds me of his in 1997/8 except only worse as it was just cliché as ever. He tells Taker he's on the fast lane on the highway to hell and the music hits to bring the segment to an end as Orton looks like he needs a new change of tights.
We then go backstage to Kristal, the newest "addition," who tries to get an interview with Booker T. She knocks and of course, Sharmell answers. The best part is that Booker T does this stereotypical plot where he simply screams "who dat, baby?" and once he gets his answer, he goes into the ghetto talk and gives Kristal "the scoop" on Booker T and Benoit. Booker T then has a dry erase board and gives her the scoop that Benoit has zero and he has two, but three after tonight. God, this is so dense it's hilarious! Just one of those things that they probably want to be serious but just makes all the smarks laugh their ass off about. Plus, who knew Booker T could write? Booker T then goes on with the angry black man stereotype with Sharmell playing the re-assuring moll to him. Yeah, I just mixed races there, but who cares? He talks about how Benoit attacked him last week and somebody should have called the po-lice, but this week there will be no sneak attack and it will be three-zero. He then tells them to get the broom out for the sweep and tells Kristal to "get ta steppin' and bounce" and a bunch of other fun stereotypical words. Sharmell then embraces her husband and I'm wondering just how far WWE will take these stereotypes. We already have a general manager who can't pronounce the letter "r," what's next?
Commercial break times two equals a couple of very lackluster segments, but one a lot funnier than it probably should have been.
Joey Mercury Vs. Super Crazy
Why is it that the stereotypical races are normally heels, but the Mexicools are faces? Oh, wait; the Mexicools have talent. Sorry, forgot! This was a match that just kept up tonight's mantra: drawn-out and boring. Seriously, nothing tonight has been good or noteworthy. Joey Mercury, whom I normally love, was absolutely horrid in the match with some normal heel mannerisms that would been great except that they took about an hour to do. Without Super Crazy's agility in the match, I'm fairly confident I might have fallen asleep, hit my head, and died. Well, some of you might have liked that. Super Crazy was good in this match which was surprising as I'm not that big a fan of his, but not good adequate to carry the match. He had some nice high-flying spots and taunts that were fun as well, but as you could tell by the crowd, it didn't really matter. The finish was good if not for the fact that I thought the heels would go over like normal, but instead, Crazy hit the Moonsault which he almost missed and got the win in another bad match for TV supposedly changing Friday nights.
Winner: Super Crazy
Star Wrestler: Super Crazy
Definitely would have been horrid without Super Crazy, but I still find it weird that I disliked my fellow Richmonder in this match and liked the normally spotty Super Crazy. Is WWE that bad that everything is turning upside down or am I just crazy? Well, I may be a little crazy, but it's for certain that WWE is really that bad tonight.
After the match, Kid Kash runs out as the Mexicools stand tall and he attacks Juventud before nailing him with the Brainbuster. MNM then takes the opportunity to beat down the rest of the Mexicools including nailing Super Crazy with the Snapshot. Hmm, looks like we are going to be getting a Kid Kash-Juventud match at Armageddon. God, that should be damn fine right there. Kid Kash is just one of those fun, Southern brawlers that can have a good match with just about anyone. He's been having good ones on Velocity, but maybe he'll finally have a good one on a Pay-Per-View!
We then see Orton in the bathroom or something staring into a mirror telling himself to pull it together. He rubs some water on his face and looks back up to see Undertaker in the mirror. He turns around freaked out to see nothing there. Oh, god; this smells like a cheesy WCW angle. Orton saw it and the rest of us saw it, but it wasn't real? What the f***, WWE? You're just bogging down a good, hot feud at this point.
Commercial break times three equals me wondering just why I'm watching SmackDown! Nothing has been good so far, damn it.
Coming back, the announcers hype up the main event which will probably suck and Kennedy's music hit. I have to admit that even though I know he's not going to wrestle, it's still better to see Kennedy on this the night of a thousand botched segments than not at all. However, my spirits quickly drop as Palmer Cannon (why he still gets a paycheck is beyond me) comes out saying the network hates to disappoint, but Kennedy has sustained an injury that won't allow him to compete. The random jobber in the ring flips out, but Cannon says they have a suitable opponent who will probably be the Boogeyman, of course. It feels good to be right sometimes in the Boogeyman area, but the elation kind of fades away as I find out the jobber is Ray Gordy from Deep South Wrestling. So in one week, we get Edge using Gordy's death to put himself over and now his son is going to get squashed. Who in the Gordy family pissed off McMahon?
Boogeyman Vs. Ray Gordy
Gordy did a good job of playing scared down to his core here. A lot better than Randy Orton I might add. The guy also exuded a better ring presence than probably half the locker room in WWE today, but does that really matter to the WWE creative team? They are the ones who gave us the worm-eating Boogeyman. Before you ask, the worms did come into play in here. In fact, after Boogeyman won, he spit them onto Gordy's face. What the hell did the family do to deserve this? Anyway, typical squash that people from the Goldberg era must be accustomed too. He hit the Demon Driver and got the win.
Winner: Boogeyman
Star Wrestler: Ray Gordy
I feel for you, man. Having worms drooled onto your face is definitely not a good way to make your national television debut. Maybe this accolade will help you out a bit though. Oh, wait, my awards don't mean shit. I feel dejected now. Anyway, I do have to say that Marty Wright has some good charisma and presence as well, but I don't think I will ever be comfortable giving the star wrestler accolade to someone who ate and spit up worms as well as hitting one move that Test does better in my opinion. Tazz summed it up best when he said, "Where the hell do we get these guys?"
Orton is then shown backstage freaking out while shifting through his briefcase before his father comes from behind him and Orton freaks out some more. Bob-o says he looks like he's seen a ghost and Orton goes on and on about how Taker's got him. Orton then looks at his father and we are instantly taken to a C-level horror movie as Bob Orton is covered in blood with his face twitching. Orton blinks and Bob is back to normal and then Orton runs out. What the hell is this garbage? I like wrestling, not horror movies I pick up in the "three for five" bin at the gas station. We then see Benoit heading to the ring and his match is up next.
Commercial break times four equals a hope that Benoit-Booker pick up this horrid episode of SmackDown!
They then show the slam of the week or whatever they are calling it and it's the beat down Benoit gave Booker after Benoit defeated Regal last week. Now, last week; that's how a damn show should be. This week is completely idiotic. Sharmell then gets on the mike to do the introduction for her "man" and I die a little inside.
WWE United States Championship
Best Of Seven: Match Three
Booker T Vs. Chris Benoit
This was an average match and kind of reassured me that this episode just sucks. It also re-assured me of how much WWE television sucks on big matches because the damn commercial breaks always muck everything up. The workers never do anything big before the break or anything remotely close to building up towards the ending or anything. To be honest, the highlight of the opening part of the match before the break was Michael Cole answering Tazz's repeated wit about the crown by just saying enough with the crown. Now enough with the stupid openings, guys. You're better than this. They started it with a nice mat/chain wrestling spot but went into a horribly bland chop and punch combo that no one liked except to just "woo" at. Before the break, we got a botched knee to Benoit that was supposed to sell his neck or something I guess. Commercial break times five equals the thought that nothing can or will save this episode of SmackDown!
As we come back, they show that Booker had slammed Benoit's neck into the steel steps and Booker T has him in control. From here, the match picked up like it always does in WWE because God forbid they do something in the first half of the match that matters. Booker's work on Benoit's neck was hit-and-miss as he would do some dumb ass moves like hanging Benoit to dry on the ropes but then hit a nicely locked snapmare to Benoit. Kind of split control, but nothing to save or bog down the match but rather keep my continue boredom going on and on. Booker then hit a botched takedown which made me wonder just how "great" Booker T if he botched not one, but two simple moves in this match-up. Benoit made his comeback which was actually better and the match started to pick up into a nice finish from here. Benoit nailing Booker with the knees before the suplex was definitely great, but I still can't get over the bland opening which is like a recurring nightmare. In the end, Booker T bumped into the ref with a kick and then tried to roll-up Benoit. Benoit did a nice reversal into the Crossface as Sharmell grabbed a chair. She brought it in but Benoit took it from her and went at her, but of course, Booker got the upper hand. He then nailed Benoit with the chair followed by a nicely placed Scissors Kick to bring the hot end to a close. Good ending, average mid-section, horrible opening. All that boils down to is one average match that put Booker T up one more in the scoring, but made the count of good, average, and bad matches in this series go to 1-1-1 instead of 3-0-0 like it should be.
Winner: Booker T
Star Wrestler: Chris Benoit
If the match had gone on like the opening, I would have thought that Benoit had stunk up the ring as much as Booker. Thankfully that wasn't the case. This match kind of made me sad as well to see what Benoit has come to as he barely is technical anymore, but rather an overrated brawler. Don't believe me? Look at the chops, kicks, and headbutts he gives us repeatedly in the matches. Don't get me wrong though because Benoit is still pretty good and was good in this match as it progressed, but Benoit is definitely not what he used to be. As much as I'm ragging on Benoit for not being what he once was, I think I got to rag on Booker way more. Benoit is really carrying this feud, but how long will that last? With the way this match went, I really don't have a good outlook for the next four matches, guys.
After the match, the heels celebrate as the announcers pump up our tag team main event some more. They then show another Lashley video except this one is from his work at Survivor Series. Why would you show that? The guy got eliminated first in the damn match!
Commercial break times six equals a lackluster best of seven series.
We then get another slam of the week style thing which is the Lashley squash of Slyvan last week. Here's hoping he squashes some other shitty heel this week.
Lashley Vs. William Regal
What the hell? I said shitty, not great. The guy just had an amazing match last week and you're just going to put him in a squash match? What a freaking joke. Lashley looks to be getting worse as the weeks go by to me. He's looking lost, he's doing sloppy takedowns, and his suplexes are just begging to be botched. Regal got some nice shots in, but by the end of his offense, he was just stinking up the ring as much as Lashley which is sad considering how godly Regal is. In the end after some sloppy suplexes and other moves, Lashley hit the Dominator and got the win naturally.
Winner: Lashley
Star Wrestler: William Regal
At least he could hit a damn suplex right. Lashley is a guy who definitely could be an amazing wrestler in a couple years, but again, WWE called him up from OVW way too soon and are really begging the question as to why have OVW at all. Great guys who are down there for years like Dinsmore and Basham are ridiculed or under-used in WWE before sending them right back down. Green guys are brought up within months though and often end up being sent right back down as well. Great "developmental" system.
The Raw Rebound is then shown which is the exact same one they showed on Heat, cheesy law music and all. They even showed Foley eating his moon pie as his introduction. Great segment, but it did drag at times like in the end and I really don't think the crowd cared as much as it was over and done with.
Commercial break times seven equals a great developmental territory WWE must have.
We then go back to the crappy horror movie taking place backstage and Orton is again telling his dad how Taker's got him and he's freaking out. They pass a SmackDown! video screen and Taker's image of course comes on. Only Orton and the audience can see it though, naturally. Bob then says something about a car so they seem to hop off to try and get out of there. The announcers then go over the mind-games that Taker's been putting Orton through, so apparently they can see it too. The Ortons are then shown going to their car and they put their suitcases in the trunk. For some reason, the car is then locked and Orton blames his dad for locking the keys in the car. Mystical powers then conjure up some kind of force that makes the car drive off without a driver. I'm so scared I think I need a night light. Josh Matthews then comes to interview Orton about his match with Taker but some strange noise plays and Matthews acts like someone stabbed him. He then starts talking in Taker's voice and delivers another promo telling Orton to enjoy the ride because the highway to hell doesn't end until he comes to a dead end at Armageddon. Matthews then shakes his head as the eerie music comes to an end and asks Orton normally what his thoughts are. Naturally Orton begins to back away from Matthews as Matthews doesn't know what's wrong. God, I feel like it's a Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street marathon. This is complete garbage.
Commercial break times eight equals some more Orton and Taker garbage. This coming from the ultimate Taker mark as well.
We come back to clips of the Giants Of Wrestling destroying Batista and Mysterio in the past couple of weeks. This SD/Raw feud is going a little overboard, I think, unless it's building towards the end of the brand extension at Wrestlemania, but with two matches already rumored and neither being a unification match, I think not. They heels then make their entrance and I find it funny that Orlando Jordan is still aligned with JBL when they haven't had any kind of interaction in the past four months.
The Cabinet Vs. Rey Mysterio & Batista
To round out this horrible episode of SmackDown!, we get a pretty average main event which is probably a little too generous from WWE at this point. The beginning just saw a beat down of Orlando with some nice Eddie mannerisms from Rey Mysterio like the catapult somersault senton. Not the distasteful kind like from the week before, but the good kind. You want to keep Eddie's memory alive, do that. Don't come out to his music and low-rider at the request of your boss. Anyway, Batista and Rey do some sloppy double team Hurricanrana from here, but at least they're trying. They take both JBL and Jordan out of the ring and then Rey delivers a double baseball slide which they both sell more than most do planchas these days. Naturally, it's time for a break. Commercial break times nine wonders why JBL would sell an overrated dropkick more than 175 pounds of man crashing down upon him.
The average match continued but did pick up as we came back. Rey Mysterio went outside and got slapped by Jillian trying to protect JBL which JBL followed up with a quick boot to the head. It's nice WWE is actually using someone they pay, right? JBL then takes Rey into the ring and starts to begin the necessary face-in-peril spot with the focus on Rey's ribs. Good logic, but I don't like how JBL focused the opening on the head. I'm going to let it go because I think I'd bitch more if he focused on the head or neck than the ribs that are taped up. JBL did some nice work on Rey from here with good rib shots and a top rope fallaway slam. They followed up the good work with a bearhug into a wheelbarrow/DDT spot which every cruiser in America does at least once a month. We then get a typical hot tag highlighted by a spear from Batista. Batista needs to take a few lessons from Edge to make it a look a little better because he's really just hitting them and popping back up, not really selling the impact at all. We get a long, but eventful finish next as Rey almost gets attacked by Jillian. The ref catches on and JBL gets in the way so Rey delivers a dropkick to JBL to Jillian sending them both into 619 position. He then nails Jillian with the 619 as JBL ducks out but as Rey goes to nail JBL with the senton again, JBL begs him not to. Rey jumps down and JBL begins to back up and trips over Jillian. JBL then feigns a leg injury and walks out of the match much like last week. Jordan comes in and gets taken down by the 619 and Spinebuster next. Rey and Batista then do an oddly entertaining double rope shake (Rey on the second rope of course) and double thumbs down and Jordan gets a Batista Bomb to end out the match. Good finish to an otherwise average match, but my loathing of everything before probably would influence that rating.
Winners: Rey Mysterio & Batista
Star Wrestler: John Bradshaw Layfield
Surprisingly, I didn't enjoy Rey Mysterio the most in the match. Don't get me wrong; Rey Mysterio is a fabulous worker and the guy who defined the cruiser style in America, but JBL was just a little better in this match. As cliché and weird as it is, I enjoy JBL's "injures" as well as the other little heel mannerisms he'll sneak into a match. He was a hell of lot better in this match than he was in the first match, that's for damn sure. His offense to Mysterio's ribs was pretty good, I thought, which was surprising considering JBL goes from one body part to the next. Well, he did kind of do that here, but still. JBL had his head on right this match (unlike earlier) and I'd like to see him work like this more often. Happy?
The faces stand tall as expected and we go off air for another week thankfully. You maybe are rolling your eyes from my words, but SmackDown! this week was really that bad. There was not one match that I didn't find myself getting bored in and not one angle/segment that didn't have me wondering what kind of white dust they're snorting backstage. The horror movie references and what-not was just begging to be parodied and I can't honestly believe they call this build-up. Then again, when Taker isn't going to show up on the damn show, you don't have much else to do. I'd really just like to put this abysmal episode behind me and hope that next week's episode will be more like last week's. Unfortunately, I just feel like last week's episode was an amazing fluke for WWE and I'm just setting myself up for disappointment as a pretty bad show is probably in store next week. I'm getting very depressed. It's sad when I enjoy Heat more than SmackDown! Actually, it's really sad when the highlight of the night for me is Kid Kash laying out Juventud.
Well, I hate to end this hateful review, but I'm going to do it. I'm confident that like always Velocity will deliver next as well as some NWA-VA and JAPW. Turning Point sounds good too, so who knows? Well, 'till next time, this is "Squared Circle Reviews" signing off and hoping you enjoy what you watch.
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