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The videos play to start things up, and before you wonder, yes the Heat video package still has no wrestling clips in it whatsoever. It is still insanely idiotic. Oh, well; I guess I’m going to have to get over it for another week as we got some actual matches tonight!
Carlito Vs. Taylor Phoenix
This was just a fun little match and probably the best non-Flair match Carlito has had in a long time. Seriously, it’s nice to finally see Carlito wrestling and wrestling well that is! As you would guess, Phoenix was in trouble for about ninety percent of the time and Carlito was doing well in control. Even more, the crowd loved him for it. Seriously, Carlito was over like sliced bread across the pond and it didn’t matter that he was beating up one of their own; he was Carlito! As far as Phoenix goes, from what little offense I saw from him, I enjoyed. He had some good agility mixed in with basic common sense (meaning not too much when not needed) so I’d like to see more from him. It’s a Heat match so you can’t really expect much else! In the end, Phoenix made a comeback and went for a dropkick, but Carlito countered with a dropkick of his own. He then lifted Phoenix up and did a modified swinging DDT for the win.
Winner: Carlito
Star Wrestler: Carlito
Carlito was in very rare form tonight even if only for a basic elongated squash. He was in control, playing to the crowd, mixing it up with some nice moves, and dictating the pace. Basically, he summed up why everyone marked for him so much when he debuted last year. Hopefully, Carlito will stick to this new philosophy and actually work and have good matches. What a novel concept!
An advertisement is then shown for Shawn Michael’s autobiography which should be a must-read, even though it’s already been said by around three reporters that HBK contradicts everything that has mostly been said about Montreal making it an even wilder story than before.
Snitsky & Tyson Tomko Vs. Brandon T & Chris Chaos
Before I start, I have to get something off my chest. First, I love how neither Coach nor Todd Grisham knew which jobber was which. Now, they never acknowledge this and played it cool, but for someone who has commentated on people’s matches while having no idea who is who, they did just that. You think a promotion like WWE could bother and tell the commentators who is who. Second off, I love how one of them (don’t know which as they never said) had the generic Indy wrestling tights. They are the ones with the big blue spot in the crotch and inner thigh. Now, how do I know this? Well, in NWA Virginia, there is a wrestler currently who is wearing them. He got them from another wrestler currently in NWA Virginia who got them off of a generic tight website. Finally, if you look at the first Ring Of Honor shows, you see the same tights appear twice on two different wrestlers. I love when I notice things like that. Even though it’s small as hell to notice, I still get a kick out of it. Anyway, this was the kind of squash matches that people like Tomko and Snitsky need to have. It’s like the squashes Monty Brown has been having only times ten in terms of stiffness. The shots to the head were bountiful and I loved Tomko driving his knee into one of the generic Indy guys. I hate to say it, but I think this tag team of Snitsky and Tomko might actually work! I know, I know; I must be smoking something, but it’s better than having them float up the mid-card once in a while (thus making me want to vomit) and also will yield some fun stiff squashes like this one. The only thing is that they desperately need to work on their finisher. I really have no idea what they are going for, but whatever it is, they aren’t doing it right. That’s much for sure. After they did that mess, they basically covered one of the jobbers and got the win, naturally.
Winners: Snitsky & Tyson Tomko
Star Wrestler: Tyson Tomko
Tomko is one of the guys who has really learned to use what he has and do what he knows how to do. He doesn’t try and do crap he has no business doing or talent doing, unlike other big men like Snitsky, Monty Brown, Kane (at times), et cetera. Tomko knows his limits and he is able to adapt within those limits very well, or at least he has this summer/autumn. Personally, the guy still needs a lot of work, but he’s improving, and that’s a good thing. It’s all on WWE’s fault though. Another year or two in OVW, and this guy would be raring to go; but WWE saw a big guy, shat their pants, and brought him up prematurely. Not Tomko’s fault at all, but it’s not like that’s stopped any critics including me. As best as I can see, the guy is improving now and I love his stiff kicks and those repeated knee thrusts to the head he did; if he keeps going down that road, he’s going to find much more success than just being a guy trying to do wrestling moves.
An advertisement for the Bret Hart DVD is then shown, which again I’m going to assume is a must-buy. Money is tight with me right now; otherwise I think I would have pre-ordered it a while back.
They then show a recap of the Angle-Benjamin match, which was utterly disappointing, followed by the Cena tirade through the crowd and the semi-brawl they had. I wish they had recapped part of that Cena segment because that was just plain funny and I would take that segment over the car wreck of Angle-Benjamin III any day.
Viscera Vs. Lance Cade
This match was pretty bad, but really not as bad as I thought. It started off with the comedy that you’ve come to expect from a Viscera match, but then Lance Cade was able to take control and keep it realistically with some headlocks, chin locks, and diving shoulder tackles. Basically everything you would come to expect from someone who graduated from the Shawn Michaels wrestling school. I don’t think one student to come out of there has sucked, not even Bio-Hazard and that gimmick is/was horrendous. Anyway, Cade lost the control of course and was then subject to Viscera’s version of the Black Hole Slam followed by Vis-agra. For those who aren’t up to date with what Viscera is doing lately, let me fill you in. He will do a move so you end up on your stomach with your rear pointing up. He will then mount you from behind and begin humping your rear. That’s right: humping your rear. Not only does it completely kill his ladies’ man gimmick (unless he hangs out with some very odd ladies’ men), it’s also one of the most ridiculous and pointless moves ever. I mean, Rikishi did the Stinkface, but was that full of homo-eroticism that shat on your entire gimmick? Nope. Not even the Christopher Street Connection would do a move like Vis-agra. God, I hate it. Anyway, shortly after that, Viscera catches Cade out of nowhere and lifts him up for the Baldo Bomb, which I haven’t seen since A-Train got booted out, for the win and the end to Heat. Good, surprising move to end it, but not enough to save the match. When the crowd pops the most for Vis-agra, you know the match reached new depths of sucking.
Winner: Viscera
Star Wrestler: Lance Cade
I really do not feel like I have to explain this one at all. One guy flops like Flair after a slap and uses realistic moves as well as ring sense. The other flops like a beached whale and uses homo-erotic moves as well as probably wanting to eat the ring. 'Nuff said.
All in all, I enjoyed this week’s Heat, but as always, the main event left a lot to be desired. Yes, the first two matches were simply squashes, but fun squashes at that. With the actual wrestling Carlito was doing and the stiff shots the 'roid machines were using, they were definitely some fun squashes. The main event was bad, but Lance Cade definitely picked it up out of being a complete and utter dud, so that’s a good thing. Like I said before, always find the positives in the negatives. For a thirty minute show, Heat is great, but not if you’re expecting world class wrestling. You really have to know what to expect and fun squashes are really what you should expect. The only thing Heat needs to make it a lot better is to get a real class main event (which they have in the past) as well as exclusive clips from Raw or interviews with Raw stars. Maybe they should add that Grisham WWE.com segment, Locker Room Lowdown, to the show. Anything to get rid of the recaps and add something exclusive will definitely add to the show’s quality if only by a little.
Well, I think that’s going to do it for this edition of "Squared Circle Reviews." Tonight, do not forget to join me at TheWrestlingVoice.com for a very, very special live edition of this reviewing series as I will be covering none other than WWE Survivor Series. Make sure to stop by as I always have fun with it. Even more, we are the fastest on the net at on-line coverage, whether reporting or reviewing the PPV. Why would you settle for anything but the fastest? For more information on the live coverage, just click here. Anyway, you’ll see me next as I review WWE SmackDown! then WWE Velocity, TNA Impact!, and of course, WWE Survivor Series! 'Till next time though, this is "Squared Circle Reviews" signing off and hoping you enjoy what you watch.
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