The WWE and Heat videos are shown and we go right into the action, or whatever WWE wants to call it now. Why the hell doesn't the Heat intro have any shots of wrestling whatsoever? It looks like some epileptic threw up an orange drink over the screen. Anyway, it's time for Heat.
Johnny Parisi Vs. Snitsky
Now, since when has Parisi been an official member of the Raw roster? I remember him being signed to WWE a while back and I remember him doing Heat jobs here and there, but does that warrant being an official member of Raw? Jeez, I can't imagine how Parisi's Raw debut will go. "Here's a guy who's been with the company a few months. Don't know him? Oh, well he's been on Heat. You all watch that, right? We surely advertise it enough, right?" God, I feel bad for this guy, especially after watching this match. It seems like Parisi pissed someone off backstage to be put in a drawn out squash match. Parisi only got three offensive moves in on Snitsky the whole match! For a squash, it was standard. Neither worker really showed any impressive spots; though I am digging Snitsky's new look kind of. The goatee he has growing in makes him look so ridiculous, but wild at the same time; so even though smarks are laughing their heads off at him, marks are impressed. Anyway, after four minutes of pure Snitsky, he hits his new finisher which is a standing variation of Abyss' Black Hole Slam.
Winner: Snitsky
Star Wrestler: Snitsky
Before you cringe, hear me out. I don't mind Snitsky in all honesty. With a guy like him, you can't expect Hart-Benoit-Danielson style workrate; but used the right way, you can expect him to get over faces well and tide the time between major feuds. Be honest; what was a better way to get Hardy over as an under-dog face? Putting him against Tajiri after the Street Fight? No, Snitsky is the go-to guy. Snitsky does his job well and when he needs to, he can turn up the pace like he did with Kane (although he really didn't with Benjamin). Plus, there was a spot at the end that just solidified Snitsky was getting this nod. After he won, he walked to one side to taunt. Parisi was in the middle, sprawled out; so Snitsky walked to other side, but around him? Nope. Snitsky walked through him, stepping on him in the process, like he was nothing. Like him or not, the guy plays the role WWE has for him perfectly and it's really not like he's shoved down our throats. WWE pulls him out when necessary and he's really only had the high profile of one feud which was good at the time to turn Kane face. Just because he's big does not mean that he is the worst ever.
They hype up a triple threat tag team match for later on and then show the WWE Rewind which is a recap of that abysmal Trish-Victoria match that set back women's wrestling almost a full decade. With workers like Trish and Victoria and the matches these two have had in the past, this one was just pathetic and I swear I felt a little bit of blood seeping out of my eyes. Luckily, Alexis Laree aka Miki James debuted and saved the pits that was this "title defense."
Viscera Vs. Jason Bates
Oh, man, Viscera just might have the world's worse entrance music ever. It was like low class porn music; the kind hillbillies buy three for a dollar at the gas station. To further the level of suckitude (thank you E & C), the strut Viscera had to go with it will haunt me whenever my eyelids meet together. Thank you, WWE. You'll be getting the bill from my therapist. The hits didn't stop there though. Viscera spent the whole match hounding Jason Bates like that uncle that kids were never left alone with at family reunions. Even more, he started humping Jason Bates at one point! Ugh, I'm serious. Todd Grisham even had an official move name for it: Vis-agra! What the hell! Now, I defend WWE a lot, but this is where I draw the line. Viscera may be over, but trying to hump a guy after looking like you want to rape him something fierce? Nu-uh; I draw the line right then and there. After a display of homo-eroticism that would have rivaled JBL's hazing, Viscera hits the Viscera Drop (nicknamed VD by Grisham) for the win. Is Viscera a Ladies' Man or a Gentlemen's Man? Even more, why in the hell is Grisham promoting this stuff? VD? Vis-agra? God, I need to get a therapist now.
Winner: Viscera
Star Wrestler: Jason Bates
Anyone who can willingly agree to be humped by Viscera deserves this credit. In all honesty though, Bates made the dreadful match to follow open well by working over the crowd, which you never see from random Heat jobbers. Still though, I can't believe this guy had to suffer through this. If I had his address, I'd send him a butt doughnut filled with ice. Alas, the guy's butt must go sore for another day. God knows what kind of sick rib this match was.
Shelton Benjamin vs. Kerwin White is then announced to happen later and it looks like we will get a recap of another drawn-out McMahon segment from Raw next. Well, not yet as it seems we are getting a title defense!
WWE World Tag Team Championship
Sudden Death Triple Threat
Ragin' Rednecks (c) Vs. Superheroes Vs. Heart Throbs
Why add the sudden death stipulation when it's just the same as any other triple threat? Maybe because it won't garner interest without it? This was actually a pretty good match-up. It started off way too random and fast-paced to garner any meaning, but eventually after some spots and some good heat drawing, Rosey became the face-in-peril. The Heart Throbs got beat down half way through the match so they were out of it and it was down to the rednecks and the guys in masks. They did some pretty good stuff here and Cade working over Rosey was great. They drew out a front headlock long enough that it garnered three attempts by Rosey to try and lift Cade up out of it, but he couldn't because of some good selling. It may have been drawn out, but damn it, it got the crowd into it and was good story telling. On the third attempt, Murdoch ran in to make sure Cade didn't get slammed. Hurricane then flew at Cade to break the lock behind the ref's back. From here, Hurricane went on the hot tag (which is still reversed of what it should be) and we got some nice offense. Ultimately, Hurricane missed a high risk move and the rednecks got the advantage and win via a new tag team move called Sweet and Sour which is like a trip-up clothesline or something. It was a bit hard to see, but it was still a good match. Had it been given about five or seven more minutes or had actually used the Triple Threat stipulation some more, it would have been a great one.
Winners: Ragin' Rednecks
Star Wrestler: Lance Cade
Cade is obviously the workhorse of the team and him being in control of Rosey was a complete wake-up call to that obvious fact that some people miss. Murdoch carries the gimmick and Cade carries the in-ring work. That's how it's working now and that is what's definitely going to get them over. Nothing wrong with it, but when picking the star wrestler, it's obvious who's going to get the nod.
They then show a recap of JR being fired on Monday. Thank you for making me re-live a drawn-out segment in a drawn-out recap, WWE. After it, we get another view of the disturbing video promoting Kane's return and we go into the main event.
Kerwin White Vs. Shelton Benjamin
Before the match, Shelton becomes Mr. Obvious saying that his caddy is just there to hit people in the back with clubs. He then makes some sexual innuendo talking about Kerwin's girlfriend not liking the size of Chavo the third. Meh. Shelton needs to work on his mike skills a lot. Sometimes he delivers some classic lines; but other times, he falls flat on his face and exposes why Carlito was pushed up after losing the IC belt and why he was pushed down after losing it. I like Shelton, but the guy needs some basic tune-ups in his mike skills; and for Pete's sake, he just needs a gimmick! Anyway, I guess this match was good; to me, it was just lacking something. I can't really place my finger on it exactly. It had all the elements there; a good opener, some psychology and body working, a good comeback, and an electric lead-in to the finish. Throw in Kerwin's good gimmick and Shelton's unique offense (and stiff in this instance) and you have yourself a good match, right? I honestly don't know at this point. I just felt gypped in the match. I really just can't place my finger on why this match was just not firing with me. It's actually kind of bothering me. Well, in regards to the match, Kerwin focused on the arm at first, but Shelton powered out of it (and no-sold it rather quickly for the effort Kerwin put in). Nemeth eventually whacked Shelton in the back with it, so Kerwin worked over the back (and the arm as well in one fine spot). Shelton then made his unique comeback and hit a T-Bone Suplex and tried to get the pin. Nemeth jumped the gun and beat down Shelton causing Kerwin to be DQed. For those wondering, it wasn't the screw job ending that had me feeling gypped. I felt like that way before the ending came.
Winner: Shelton Benjamin
Star Wrestler: Kerwin White
At times, Shelton Benjamin can be a bit spotty. His offense makes sense, but sometimes, he puts too much complexity into the moves he does and other times, his selling is just MIA. Shelton Benjamin is a true hit and miss guy, though he's probably got the brightest career and most potential out of anyone in WWE right now. Shelton no-sold that arm pretty quickly, but like his uncle did last Sunday, Kerwin went right back to that arm even while working over the back. Pure genius. The Guerrero family is by far the most talented family in pro wrestling's history, in my opinion. The Harts really only churned out two good workers and I can't stand many of the Von Erichs. I have yet to see one Guerrero that hasn't had a career of bad matches though and any of them could easily belt out a match of the year in their prime if given the opportunity. You can't say that about many other families; and if you did, you'd still be stretching it by a long shot.
Afterwards, Nemeth and Kerwin beat down Shelton and go to nail him with the club, but for some odd reason, Matt Striker hauls ass out there to save Shelton and run off Kerwin and Nemeth. Why? I have no earthly idea, but I have a feeling we might see an angle form on Heat from this or maybe a tag team match between the two next week. Either way, I'm actually excited (albeit a bit confused) to see where this one goes. Heat then goes off the air so strap yourself in for the wrap-up of my stream of consciousness.
As much as I hate to say it, Heat this week was easily avoidable. We got two squashes in the opening, enough homoeroticism to last a lifetime, a worthless recap of something USA has been promoting all week long (I couldn't watch my SVU in piece!), a tag team match that was good yet could have been more, and then a match that was still just missing something to me. Before you ask, I still haven't figured it out! I would suggest you see the Tag match, but in all honesty, you're not missing much. WWE.com had a good stretch of web casts since they brought the C & D shows onto the site, but it eventually had to come to an end. Sadly, this week was its end.
Well, that's all I got to say about this week's edition of Heat. I'll be back with the SmackDown!, Velocity, and Impact reviews shortly to wrap up the week. Thank you all for reading once again; without you guys, I truly wouldn't know what to do with my time. ‘Till next time, this is "Squared Circle Reviews" signing off and hoping you enjoy what you watch.
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