The play "The Power Is Back" opening video followed by a recap of WWE Homecoming from last week with the brunt of it; well actually, all of it except three seconds being focused on Austin stunning the whole McMahon family and Vince saying someone is going to get fired. I have a feeling that it's going to make for some good TV to have the theme of the show be around that of Vince firing someone and the wrestlers pissing themselves over it. They then show the Raw video and we go right into it.
Stephanie McMahon comes out to star the show. Jesus Christ, I hope this isn't a sign that the McMahons are going to be on TV regularly again. In moderation, the McMahons are golden for adding that much more to a good show, but like in 2003, too much can kill your product. Steph talks about how the McMahons are WWE and last week was there night, but Austin embarrassed them and ruined their night. Is it really ruining Homecoming if the crowd loved it? She even brings up that she was the member of the family voted "most fun to watch being stunned" on WWE.com. Good way to tie-in WWE.com. WWE is using the internet so well lately with the shows, exclusive news, et cetera. Anyway, Steph rambles on about how they hate her because she is better than them. Blah, blah, blah, yakkity yak, yak, yak. She then rambles on and on and on like a normal McMahon promo. Someone needs to tell the family that no one cares for their long-winded promos. Steph then says that they haven't seen anything yet and no one will stop her. She then starts yelling at a guy telling her to wrap it up. Of course she needs to wrap it up. She then lays him out. No wonder the McMahons get long promos; if they don't, people get slapped. Steph then goes psycho slapping Lillian Garcia and then a cameraman. Damn, power bitch Steph is actually quite fun! She needs to cut out the long-winded promos and just go ballistic on cameramen for now on. She then goes to the announcer's booth and has them help her up onto the table and screams, "The bitch is back!" God, as much as I hate the long-winded McMahon promos, Stephanie has really gotten better in interacting with the crowd. The beginning of the segment sucked way too much, but the end was great. I want to see Steph just come out and lay out people now.
Commercial break.
Doink Vs. Rob Conway
Why the hell is Doink here? I swear there hasn't been a year in WWE since 2002 that we haven't seen Doink. They show the recap of Conway being beat down by the legends last week before coming out. Buff Bagwell is probably crying at home seeing Rob Conway do his gimmick better than Bagwell ever imagined it could be. Match was basically a comedy one for the first couple minutes as Doink was in control with some sloppy roll-ups and funny poke to the eyes. Some of the best comedy though was inadvertent like Doink's mask almost falling off three times. Despite that though, I loved Doink conducting the crowd as he would point at Conway getting the crowd to boo and raise his hand getting the crowd to cheer. That was sadly the only thing Doink did right. He didn't even sell right towards the end and when Conway was trying to stomp a mud hole, Doink looked like he was in a coma. Nice. I hope no one important was playing Doink; because if they are, they proved why they are stuck doing Doink jobs. Finish came with the Ego Trip like you would expect.
Winner: Rob Conway
Star Wrestler: Rob Conway
Not that I hate Conway or anything, but he basically gets this by default. Doink couldn't sell nor could he even do a roll-up without looking like he was going accidentally flip himself out of the ring.
Conway then gets on the mike and gives a message to the WWE legends and says they are like Doink: a joke. He then puts himself over as a future WWE Hall of Famer. Are we going to get another Legend Killer gimmick? I pray to God not. Conway then goes after Doink some more, but Eugene comes in and makes the save for his hero! Eugene clears the ring and then as Eugene checks on Doink, Conway runs back in and lays out Eugene. Hmm, maybe this is leading to something else. A Eugene-Conway feud, perchance? Well, that isn't as bad as it appears. In all honesty, I enjoyed their match a few weeks back.
The announcers then put over the fact that Vince McMahon is going to fire someone and they tease that JR is going to be the one that is getting fired. Could you be anymore blatant? A recap of Triple H's return and the beat down on Ric Flair is then shown and they put over the brutality of it. It was a pretty brutal beat down; but like a lot of things last week (and this week from the looks of the opening segment), it was drawn out way too much.
Commercial break times two equals time wasted from wrestling. Look, Ma! I can do math!
Back from the break, Carlito is in the ring and it's time for Carlito's Cabana. Carlito starts by kissing ass to the McMahons to try and save his job. He gets some good heat for it too. Carlito then says the topic tonight is the number one contendership for the title. The crowd starts giving him the "What?" treatment, which I don't think will ever get old, and Angle makes his way out cutting off Carlito early. Angle states that he obviously was the winner since he beat the crap out of Michaels, and then Michaels comes out. Uh-oh. I'm getting a bad feeling about this match becoming too crowded. Michaels gets in Angle's face and asking how is it clear when it was tied and Angle walked away at his opportunity for sudden death? Michaels says that means either Angle doesn't want to be the champ or that he doesn't want anymore of HBK. Clearly! Michaels is great as usual on the mike. Angle then talks about HBK will be fired. Angle carries the company and he was champ when WCW went out of business. When the hell was that? Last I heard Rock and Austin were both champs when WCW went under in real life and in kayfabe. Angle then says he is the number one contender and Big Show comes out. Just like I thought, this is turning into another crowded "I deserve a shot" segment. WWE thrives on these types of segments. They would work so much better if they didn't happen two to three times a year though. To be optimistic though, HBK is gold as he just starts lounging in one of Carlito's chairs and gets a drink. God bless you, HBK. What would drawn-out, crowded segments do without you?
Big Show actually delivered a good promo too. He is definitely someone who is constantly improving too. Ever since he came to WWE, he's gotten better and better and better; that's just the kind of guy I love watching. Big Show said he had an epiphany (and that he would buy Angle a dictionary later to find out what that means). He said when you're a giant, you don't wait in line; you cut in line because you can. He then says he wants someone to make his day and tell him he can't. The crowd gets bigger as Edge and Lita then stroll out. As much as I hate Edge crowding this segment more, he's got such a cocky swagger to him since he started feuding with Hardy. It's so great. Edge then puts over his guaranteed title shot and the fact that he killed Hardy. Carlito then finally speaks up and turns everyone in the ring against Edge before saying he should be number one contender. For what? Now seriously, I can buy all of the rest of them doing their whole spiel, but what the hell has Carlito done? Lost the secondary title to a fifty year old man? Yeah, that's definitely worthy of a shot. Cena then comes out and actually cuts a rap! As much crap as he got for them in the past, I always thought Cena's raps were a great way to rile up the crowd and add comedy to anything. He puts down everyone in the ring with a lot of good jokes about sex, S & M, and Lita being a whore (of course). Cena looks so confident with the mike at this point. It's great to see how far he's come in terms of mike skills since early 2003. After putting them all down, Cena puts over that he will take them all on before walking out. Looks like we might be getting an Elimination Chamber style match at Taboo Tuesday. Good segment and everyone (minus Angle) delivered on the mike; but it definitely ran too long, and like I said, it was a trite idea.
We then see Trish backstage warming up for a match I guess and Ashley comes in and we go straight to another break.
Commercial break times three equals me fearing Raw is long-winded tonight.
We see footage from WWE Unlimited (which is actually pretty cool) and Bischoff signs the main event which is a six man tag team match with Cena, HBK, and Big Show going against Angle, Edge, and Carlito. That could be good, but I foresee a lot of problems to come.
Chris Masters Vs. Tajiri
This match started off great as while Masters was doing his entrance, Tajiri came out to attack him to the delight of smarks world-wide. For some reason, Coach kept saying that Masters was never beaten. Really? So are we just omitting his loss to Shawn Michaels? Anyway, for a Masters' squash match, this was pretty good with Tajiri on the offense a lot of the match and even getting in the Tarantula which I haven't seen in forever! Tajiri was actually on fire in this match and got ten times more offense than any of Masters' opponent not named HBK ever got in. Masters eventually got the Masterlock on and after tons of fighting, Tajiri passed out like everyone.
Winner: Chris Masters
Star Wrestler: Tajiri
Tajiri definitely sold Masters in this match and it was nice seeing Tajiri on Raw again. Tajiri's offense, kicks, and the opening assault were a good thing in this match, and combine that with the way Tajiri sold the Masterlock; we have ourselves a star wrestler for the latest Masterpiece squash.
We then see Triple H walking backstage and he runs into HBK. HBK says he knows him better than anyone and that what he did last week was just too much. Triple H starts laughing at him as the rest of the locker room is eyeing him like he's scum. Triple H then walks into Big Show who says that someday he's going to get his. Triple H looks like he lost bladder control and keeps walking, this time right into John Cena. Cena puts over that Triple H lost respect last week. Triple H then says the last thing Cena wants to do is get Triple H's attention. Cena says you want some, come get some. Triple H then delivers a line that sums up his character in one sentence. "I want some, I'll take it!" That's definitely how everyone views Triple H anyway. Triple H then stumbles into a crew man and throws him into a wall. Good segment I thought and it got over the despicable nature of Triple H.
Commercial break times four equals hopefully no more McMahon promos.
They then show a recap of No Mercy, which was a pretty good show. You can read my official review of it by clicking here.
Triple H then comes out and gets pretty good heat. Amazing how things change in less than one week, huh? Triple H then cuts a good promo with the fans as always. Like or hate him, Triple H is one talented bastard. Triple H said that he worshipped Flair. No one was a bigger mark than he! God, I love when WWE uses insider terminology in promos. They don't over-do it like a lot of Indy promotions or TNA, but when WWE does it, you know it's a jab at the smarks world-wide. It's great. Triple H then talks about how Flair was a broken man and Triple H let him stand by his side and got him his greatness back. Triple H then puts over that Flair had become a joke and he knew what he had to do. He puts over Flair cheering for doing one thing right and being a champion of mediocrity or something to that effect. He said he did what he had to do; he took the horse out behind the barn and pulled the trigger. Basically, Triple H said what you thought he would: how Flair wasn't Flair anymore and Triple H couldn't stand it. Triple H finishes by saying that he isn't the dirtiest player in the game. He's not even in the game. He's not even a player. For Flair, the game is over. Definitely one of Triple H's better promos this year and if this is any indication how this feud is going to go down, I am looking forward to it immensely.
They then plug the main event and announce a Trish-Victoria match next for the title. That should be good and it would be nice to have an actual match on Raw.
Commercial break times five equals Triple H rules at promos.
They show an interview/recap segment of Doom and Rock. Why the hell is Rock still promoting Rock when he isn't doing shit for them? It makes no sense. Rock basically left WWE at a time when they needed him most, so naturally, WWE is going to continue promoting him. That makes tons of sense!
WWE Women's Championship
Trish Stratus (c) Vs. Victoria
Remember when I said this should be good and it would be nice to have an actual match? Well, none of that turned out to be true. This was by far the worst match these two ever had and for the quality of matches these two have had, this was the absolute pits. There spots looked way too planned as well as sloppy and pathetic. I strive to be optimistic in all things, but in the end, I can't think of many, if any, good things about this match. Actually, I take that back. Victoria worked over the back of Trish pretty well, but Trish's selling was just too much or not enough. Victoria did some good power moves and two very good submissions (one out of a counter), but the pathetic brawling these two did and the utter pits that was Trish's selling/offense was enough to set back legitimate women's wrestling back a couple years. Finish came when Trish used a Northern Lights Suplex into a pin by bridging her back. Yes, that's right. After having her back worked on the whole match, Trish won by bridging it.
Winner: Trish Stratus
Star Wrestler: Victoria
I really don't want to point any fingers at whose fault crap-fest 2005 was, but I'm going to. Trish, for the love of god; go train and shake off the ring rust. Victoria was sloppy in the beginning of the match too and anything except her back working sucked, but at least she had some psychology. You got to find the good in every situation, and without Victoria, I would have been praying for something good.
Afterwards, Victoria beats down Trish. As predictable as it is, Ashley runs down to try and make the save but gets her ass handed to her as well. Finally, some unknown Diva makes her way out and starts wailing on her. At first, I could have sworn it was a Diva Search winner until I started realizing the women was actually throwing good punches! I still can't see who she is, but she lays out Victoria with the women's belt. Oh, hell! It's Alexis Laree! Jesus Christ, she has been in the OVW ranks for a long time; going on two plus years. I had the honor and privilege of seeing Alexis Laree's last Indy show in Virginia in 2003 before she signed with WWE and let me tell you, this chick can work her ass off. She's great and I can't wait to see Victoria-Laree or Trish-Laree. This is great. God, I am marking out so much right now. Anytime a wrestler out of Virginia makes it up to WWE or any mainstream promotion, it's definitely worth a mark-out moment. Alexis then heads Trish back her title and we head to another break after they plug the firing spot again.
Commercial break times six equals a huge time for me to mark-out for Alexis!
Back from break, Ashley and Trish are talking about the match and Alexis walks up and says her name is Micki James. Ok, I can buy that. She says she's so excited to be here and that she is Trish Stratus' biggest fan and she's written Trish several times. Ok, so Micki aka Alexis is playing the Tori gimmick from 1999. She's going to be Trish's crazed fan and eventually turn heel because of something Trish does or doesn't do. As predictable as it is, with someone like Micki in the position, it's going to be great!
Carlito makes his way out next and they announce that Mick Foley will be on Carlito's Cabana next week! That is going to be great! Hopefully, Foley lays him out with the elbow from the apron. Edge and Angle then make their way out and then they show that Vince's limo has just pulled up. Naturally, it's time for a commercial break after only five minutes of actual TV time.
Commercial break times seven equals a horrible use of TV time by WWE.
Six Man Tag Team Match
John Cena, Shawn Michaels, & Big Show Vs. Kurt Angle, Edge, & Carlito
All right, I'm calling it before I see it. Shawn Michaels is the star wrestler. The first stretch of TV before the commercial break was pretty good. Cena started it off, but then Big Show came in and did his normal spots and it was basically three-on-one. I liked it though. Big Show got his chops in and Carlito sold his butt off. It was a good start to the match, but again, WWE went like five minutes and then had another commercial break. Use your TV time more wisely, damn it!
Commercial break times eight equals a really horrible use of TV time by WWE.
Thinking about this match, it really makes no sense. I can just imagine what goes on in that booking meeting. "So we have all five guys wanting a shot at Cena? Ok, let's shove them all in a six man tag and they will work as a team. Yeah, that makes perfect sense!" Anyway, when they came back from commercial, John Cena was playing the face-in-peril; but then when we reached the next commercial break, Shawn Michaels was left playing it. Make up your mind, WWE!
Commercial break times nine equals HBK and Cena fighting for who gets to be the face-in-peril!
When we come back, Angle is in control of HBK so I guess HBK is the true face-in-peril. That actually makes more sense because when Cena tagged in HBK after his supposed spot, the hot tag was pretty weak. This is the problem with commercial breaks. You don't get to see how long someone is under for. Shawn Michaels makes a believable face-in-peril, but I would have much rather seen Cena as one. It makes more sense considering that everyone is gunning for him and the fact that Cena has good selling skills, but not too good of an offense. On the flip side, Michaels can do everything from a hot tag to a peril spot. Michaels eventually tagged in Big Show which was great. Big Show must have been custom trained for the hot tag. Even though he more often than not does the same thing each hot tag, it's still a great way to do a match. Even more, Big Show on the hot tag took down Angle and then did the "you can't see me" bit. God, that was priceless. Cena then nearly shat his pants on the angle asking to be tagged in. Mimicking someone else's taunts and mannerisms is the best way to incorporate comedy into a match especially when you have a guy full of them like John Cena. Finish came when Big Show went after Edge who grabbed a chair and Michaels clotheslined Carlito out of the ring. Angle then locked in the Ankle Lock. For some odd reason, Cena added another move to his move-set by rolling through and locking up Angle himself in the Ankle Lock. For those playing at home, that bumps his move-set up the six. Angle then rolls through once more and gets a pin attempt on Cena and picks up the win.
Winners: Kurt Angle, Edge, & Carlito
Star Wrestler: Shawn Michaels
I called it and I was right. The match definitely was pretty bad, but to its defense, the frequent commercial breaks really hurt it. Commercial breaks during tag matches are really dumb because for the fan to really get behind the face-in-peril, we really need to see everything he goes through. Angle, Cena, and Edge were pretty much generic in this match, though I do applaud Cena for adding another move to his offense bumping it up to an even number. Big Show was good, but not in the sense of star wrestler accolade. Big Show has gotten into the Andre the Giant point at this time, and to his credit, he does really well in it and you can tell he's improving. Carlito was a great heel in this match and was amazing in control of HBK as well as in cowardice of Big Show. Shawn Michaels was the true star though. His selling and offense were all believable and without Shawn, I truly believe this match would have been miles worse. Shawn is just a great guy to have in these matches because with his workrate, he adds something to the mix that most people don't bring in matches like this: talent!
They then show a recap of Stephanie's tirade earlier followed by footage of McMahon strolling backstage with the stick rammed up his ass.
Commercial break times ten equals Stephanie needs to go ballistic more often.
A Kane video is shown promoting his return. I love Kane, but in all honesty, they totally killed anything Kane had going for him since August 2004 by revealing the Hardy-Lita-Edge triangle. So what are the commentators going to do now when Kane returns? Forget all about the past year of Kane's career? Great move. Kane should have been moved to SmackDown! where it could have been easily forgotten about and he could have feuded with Taker thus finally retiring him and giving him elevation for a good push. I'm dreaming now, but I think I have some credibility in the rambling I just said.
They then promote Foley on the Cabana once more. I swear if I don't see a double arm DDT or the apron elbow drop, the interview segment will suck.
McMahon power struts his ass on out. They show a recap that Bischoff won't be fired tonight. Now why would you go and kill some speculation like that? Man, kill my dreams why don't you? I sense another drawn-out segment to come seeing as how there is like fifteen minutes or more to go. Let me get my butt grove going. While putting over the whole Austin stunning thing and him promising someone is getting fired, McMahon basically put over that Todd Grisham amounts to nothing in WWE. He said "someone asked me last week what was going to happen." That someone, Vince, is a guy you pay probably more than 250,000 thousand a year, and you don't even know his name? Even if you're playing an arrogant evil boss character right now (which is a stretch), you would still know the name of a guy that you pay so much and who has been causing controversy, or supposed controversy, on Byte This! Ah, the genius of WWE never fails to amuse me while I'm tired and bored. The crowd gives him the "What?" treatment as McMahon kills time in the segment, basically milking the run-over period WWE has on USA for all he can. He says Bischoff isn't to blame, but Austin is. Nah, you think? Good god, I'm having a lot of problem comprehending the crap coming out of Vince's mouth this week. Vince then says it's not his fault and he won't fire him. So Austin has a job in WWE though he only shows up once every few months? From a mark's point of view, that must be a great job!
Vince then blames the fans because they cheer him on or something like that. Vince then wants everyone watching to consider themselves WWE employees just so he can say "You're fired!" If you're a mark, smark, or idiot and you didn't see that one coming, please go earn your Darwin award. Vince then calls out the announcers apparently blaming them. Man, Vince directing traffic with the announcers telling them that "that's their mark" was classic. Pure Vince showing that he owns everyone's livelihood in that ring. McMahon explains the situation to them and demands an apology from each and every one of them. McMahon then tries to have us believe that he cares for his wife in kayfabe. That's why we had years of Vince cheating, right? Oh God, another classic McMahon quote: "I want an apology for the three of you doing nothing. Oh, and by the way, not that you're jobs depend on it, but your jobs depend on the answer. Just for the record. Coach, are you man enough to apologize to me and my family. Don't touch that microphone!" He may be a ruthless bastard at times, may take up too much TV time, and walks like someone either violated him or he just likes a stick too much; but damn it, Vince knows how to deliver some memorable lines. Coach and King then kiss ass and apologize to Vince. JR then gets up and only says he's sorry Linda got stunned. It's obviously not good enough for Vince. JR eventually gets a half-assed apology, and Vince says it is good enough for him, but not for his kids. He calls out Steph. God, I hope Steph goes ballistic again. This is perfect opportunity for WWE to start planting employees in the crowd. All they have to do is mouth off to her and she wails them. That would be great.
JR sticks to his story and Stephanie then slaps him square on his face. Wasn't a ballistic slap, so that makes me a sad panda unquestionably. South Park fans please mark out for the reference. Vince calls out Shane, but Linda, the world's worst actor, strolls to the ring. Linda looks like the sweetest woman and she may be, but she has no business in the ring and trying to act when she can't in any way, shape, or form. The stunner last week proved it. Vince says he's got it handled, but Linda steals the mike and stammers on while I solidify the argument I have ADA. Linda then tells JR he's fired thus completing the worst heel turn in the history of the WWE and perchance the business. Linda then gives him the worst low blow in the history of the WWE and perhaps the business to follow it up. The McMahons then gloat over a broken JR and the show goes off the air.
In closing, Raw tonight was pretty bad in comparison to last week. I'd give it an average rating at best, but in all fairness, it was just bad. We got four matches tonight and it's sad when the one that aroused my interest the most was a Masterpiece squash. I do love the fact that Alexis Laree aka Miki James debuted tonight, but I'm really straining to say anything good about the show. This episode of Raw was one of the ones where reading the results or review of it was definitely enough to get the gist of it. There was no must see portion of the whole night. Coming off Raw Homecoming, that's really sad. Hopefully next week's will be better. Well, that's going to wrap it up as I'm pretty tired. 'Till the next time I see fit to ramble, this is "Squared Circle Reviews" signing off and hoping you enjoy what you watch.
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