The normal packages and pyro go off and we are in Laredo, TX for a brand spankin’ new edition of SmackDown! that kicks off with a JBL promo. Scratch that; a lackluster JBL promo. The set-up to the promo gave it away too much with Cole and Tazz hyping up how the town is 90% Latino and right on the border. Come on, you can do something better than making a whole freaking promo/segment out of mocking a hometown. Mocking a hometown takes like three-five lines in a promo, not the whole freaking thing. JBL basically came out with Mexican garb and a donkey and insulted the Mexican crowd and Rey Mysterio as well as his family. He then brings up the donkey in some innate reference to the Mexican crowd living off the American government. I don’t know; I kind of zoned out.
After the whole promo that took what felt like an eternity, Ken Kennedy came out and mistook the donkey for Tony Chimmel. Someone please have Mr. Kennedy give JBL promo lessons. Please. Rey Mysterio then comes out to a huge pop along with his partner, Hardcore Holly. What the hell? Why in the world is Hardcore Holly in this match? It makes about as much sense as Triple H jobbing to Paul London. Seriously! Anyway, before the match starts, we go to our first commercial break.
Commercial break senior.
Ken Kennedy & John Bradshaw Layfield Vs. Rey Mysterio & Hardcore Holly
Match was definitely bad, and if you argue for it enough, you can probably push it to an average rating, but that’s the most you will get. Random tag matches like these are supposed to further two storylines, not one. Look at Snitsky & Edge versus Matt Hardy & Big Show from a few weeks ago on Raw. That furthered the feud of Snitsky-Show as well as Edge-Hardy. This tag team match basically furthered only the feud of Rey-Rey and JBL. Kennedy and Holly had no purpose in this match, unless they are going to have a match on No Mercy. Even if they have a match on No Mercy, it still doesn’t hide the fact that random tag matches further two feuds, not one. This didn’t further anything in terms of Holly-Kennedy. This match definitely should have been scraped, but we got it anyway. Everyone’s offense looked pretty sloppy in this match, but for some reason, Holly came off looking great. I’m a pretty big Holly hater, but even I have to admit, the guy was on top of his game tonight. Rey, JBL, and Kennedy though were severely slacking in this bad tag team match. Maybe it’s the fact that I hate tag team matches. Maybe it’s the fact that a horrible JBL promo was the lead-in to this match. For whatever reason, I hated this match and couldn’t wait for its end to come. Finish came when Mysterio took out Kennedy on the outside and Holly received a very sloppy looking Clothesline From Hell so the heels could get the win.
Winners: Ken Kennedy & John Bradshaw Layfield
Star Wrestler: Hardcore Holly
There aren’t many good things you can say about this match and to the biggest shocker of the week, Holly remains one of the only good things you can say. He played to the crowd better than anyone in the match, his offense and selling were on the ball, and his overall role in the match was pivotal. Without Holly, this match would have been a lot worse. Trust me on this one guys. I like Kennedy, JBL, and Rey as much as the next guy. JBL normally delivers great promos, Kennedy is a great rookie with an amazing offense (which we barely saw), and Rey is one of my all time favorites. However, that doesn’t hide the fact that these guys sucked in this match and as much as I hate to do it, I have to give the "star wrestler" accolade to a guy I hate so much: Hardcore freaking Holly. What a way to open the show. Rey legitimately works horribly in a match and Holly rules. Who would have thought?
Afterwards, we go into recap/preview mode as they hype up Orton-Taker and the WWE Tag Team Title match-up. They then show a recap of the pretty funny segment last week with Eddie’s doctor and the main event of last week’s show.
After the recap, we see Eddie Guerrero filling up on Mexican food when Batista shows up. Eddie apologizes for last week and says it won’t happen again. He says they will be good friends and WWE Tag Team Champions! Batista then acts worried and asks if Eddie should be eating that stuff because of last week. He then says he’s worried for Eddie and takes it away from him much to Eddie’s chagrin. Eddie then pulls out a tortilla to eat, but Batista comes and snatches it away saying it was the one thing he was missing. Definitely a good segment and one of Batista’s best since late-2004/early-2005. I’m really digging this Eddie-Batista feud and think this could easily be Batista’s best match at No Mercy.
Commercial break junior.
As we come back, we see some stupid footage from earlier in the day of Melina on the cell phone and Christy on a motorcycle (for some reason unbeknownst to me) interrupts her. They get into a hissy fight and Melina shoves Christy breaking a nail in the process. Naturally, this constitutes as grounds for a match, so we get:
Melina Vs. Christy Hemme
To be honest, this was between bad and average, but definitely surprising to say the least. By surprising, I mean I thought it was going to be miles worse than it was. I think I would feel safe actually calling this match passable. Yeah, let’s go with that. Anyway, it was basically a cat fight. So what made it passable? At one point, Melina was trying to incorporate some nice psychology in the form of working the arm of Christy. It was pretty surprising to see Melina pull something like that out. Too bad Christy didn’t sell it as well as she should have. It’s incidents like this that show me that WWE needs to just ship Melina, Christy, Torrie, Candice, Stacy, and Ashley all down to OVW to learn how to wrestle. Bring them back up and then you can have the tits and ass as well as good matches. Anyway, finish came when Mercury distracted the ref and Nitro tripped up Hemme and she took a nasty bump straight down. Melina covered her and got the win.
Winner: Melina
Star Wrestler: Melina
She definitely should have used more psychology, but the fact that she used any when I don’t think I have seen any other diva do is enough to garner this accolade. I will agree that the match was pretty bad, but literally, when have you seen a Diva match that incorporates some type of psychology? I think that’s worthy of bumping the match up a grade to passable, don’t you?
After the match, Christy tried to attack Melina, but MNM came in and beat her down. LOD then came out to predictably chase off MNM. Predictability rules! Wait, no it doesn’t. Sorry, I get confused by awesomely bad shows.
We then get another spectacular recap. Note the sarcasm, please. This time they recapped the casket segment last week with the Ortons and Taker.
Commercial break the third.
Back from break, Bob Orton cuts a pretty pathetic promo talking about Taker and how he doesn’t need his son here and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Luckily, Taker comes out to save us from the ramblings of a guy older than Flair and we go right into the match.
Bob Orton Vs. Undertaker
Definitely didn’t enjoy this match which sucks considering how much I was looking forward to it. I can’t tell if this is just a legit clash of styles, a failure of the booking team, or hard proof that Orton can’t hack it anymore. Whatever the reason, the match stunk and I can’t honestly remember one good thing about it. I’m actually getting pretty fed up with these bad matches. It’s ridiculous at this point when the high point of the night is a fake cat fight. Randy Orton came out during the match and helped his father. Taker powered out though and eventually blocked the RKO and gave Bob a Tombstone Piledriver for the win.
Winner: Undertaker
Star Wrestler: Undertaker
Orton’s selling was all right, but Orton in control was completely laughable. At least Taker has a believable offense and move set. This match was pretty bad, but the mark in me just yearns to give the nod to my favorite Deadman. I still can’t believe how bad the match was considering how Orton used to be an amazing worker and how much I mark for the Phenom. What a let-down.
Commercial break the fourth! Just like me!
Back from break, they show a recap of the craptacular match that was Orton-Taker a few moments ago. Why do they feel the need to drudge up bad memories? They then hype up the No Mercy card. You know, at first, I thought the Handicap Casket match was going to be great. Now I’m having major second thoughts considering the match Bob and Taker just had. This sucks.
Bobby Lashley then makes his way to the ring to face off the guy who jobbed to Hardy on Heat. This guy looks so impressive, but definitely 'roided up. With a forehead like that, it’s pretty obvious who’s on the juice. They show a recap of Lashley’s debut against Dean and we go into the match.
Bobby Lashley Vs. Russell Simpson
This was a fun match and miles better than the one Simpson had on Heat. Lashley was really impressive in this short match. While it was short, it was probably the best match of the whole night and showed Lashley’s talent in ways other people can’t even fathom. For instance, Simpson was trying to work the leg of Lashley. Lashley sold this like no one’s business. When he even tried to lift Simpson back up after being worked on, he twitched his leg to mimic the pain he was supposed to have. That is a workhorse right there. I can’t wait to see him in a full length match. Finish came when he hit the best variation of a Dominator I’ve ever seen.
Winner: Bobby Lashley
Star Wrestler: Bobby Lashley
This guy is damn impressive. He is probably the most impressed I’ve been with a WWE debut in the past few years. Plus, with his big size, it’s almost a given that he will get pushed. However, I think it’s a duh that he has no mike skills. I can’t wait to see where Lashley will go from here and hopefully, it’s somewhere worthwhile. For a big guy like him to use psychology in the WWE, it’s a wonderful thing to see because a lot of big men figure out early on that they don’t need it to get a push or even get over. Lashley’s use of the leg psychology shows that this guy means business in WWE.
After the match, Simon Dean comes out and says everyone was impressed with his debut, even him! He then says that he didn’t expect to face someone like him, rather a fat idiot. He then gives him a Simon System product and tells him that he will need it for their match at No Mercy and he will have no excuse when Dean beats him. Lashley stomps on the drink and press slams Dean out of the ring. As predictable and generic this segment was, I really enjoyed it. I think it was pretty much Dean though. Anyone who can look as chipper as he does riding down in a wussy version of a moped can make anything good.
Commercial break the fifth. Man, this family line is pretty long.
The Peep Show is set up when we come back and Christian welcomes us to a new edition! He said he noticed how there was no US title match for No Mercy yet and says Benoit has been on a run since winning the title until he pinned Benoit. Booker T and Sharmell come out and they talk up how the Book should be in line for a title. Surprisingly, Sharmell was actually not bad on the mike! Tonight’s show is full of surprises! A women’s match with psychology, Hardcore Holly the star wrestler, and a non-annoying Sharmell. What are the odds? Orlando Jordan then makes his way out and says he didn’t tap out to Benoit under thirty seconds. Booker T then says in probably the funniest spot of the night up to this point that it probably took Benoit less time to make Jordan tap then for Jordan to spit it out. Long then comes out and says that Benoit will pick his opponent tonight, but first, he is going to get one more look at his choices in a Triple Threat match!
Triple Threat
Booker T Vs. Christian Vs. Orlando Jordan
This match was good, but not as good as you would think for it being a triple in WWE. WWE always does triples really, really well, but this one just wasn’t on par with past triples, even mid-card triples like Benjamin-Jericho-Christian from the Raw after Wrestlemania 22. I loved the triple spots in this match though. The first was Booker T trying to Superplex Christian. Jordan came up and Powerbombed Booker T who then Superplexed Christian. It’s been done before, but I enjoyed it. The second one I don’t think I’d ever seen before. I really liked it and it was actually the finish and a good finish at that. Booker T sets Christian up for a slingshot, but Jordan comes up and rolls up Booker T for a school boy. While he rolls up Booker, Booker sends Christian flying out of the win and gives Jordan his first win since Great American Bash!
Winner: Orlando Jordan
Star Wrestler: Christian
He was basically the fall boy of this match taking all the major bumps and there wasn’t anyone else who stood out in my mind, so why not give bump boy the nod? Plus, he was definitely getting the biggest reactions of the match and considering you’re in the ring with Booker T and you’re supposed to be heel, that’s a huge compliment.
After the match came the best segment of the night as Benoit came out and basically marked out for Jordan winning. He said it was Jordan for the match. Christian freaked out so Benoit said maybe it should be him since he pinned him. Booker got upset and Benoit said maybe it should be Booker since they are tight. He then says maybe it should be all of them. In fact, it is going to be all of them as it’s going to be a fatal four-way match! Yes! I love four way matches! I only wish it was elimination style. For some reason, I’m such a mark for elimination matches. I think it’s because when done right, you get three separate matches for the price of one. We rarely get that, but I still love elimination matches more so than any other match out there. Anyway, it should still be good.
Commercial break the sixth.
After the break, we are in the office of Teddy Long and Palmer Cannon are talking when McMahon himself walks in and questions Long on the SmackDown! match for Raw’s Homecoming. Long says the match will have Chris Benoit, Batista, Rey Mysterio, JBL, Eddie Guerrero, and Christian. Vince asks what the stipulation is, and Long says he doesn’t know yet. Vince basically kisses Long’s ass and tells him he knows it will be good because that’s the Long he knows. He then has a weird transference with Palmer and the segment ends. Not the best, but not the worst. Certainly not pointless though. I hope they do something more than a three-on-three match. I’m actually fairly confident they will deliver though, despite this lackluster show. Why? Because it will be on Raw, not SmackDown! It’s a low blow, but true.
The tag team champions, the world champion, and the number one contender then all make their way out to the biggest pops of the night, but before our main event, we get another break. Goody. Sarcasm really is lost in the written form, now isn’t it?
Commercial break the seventh.
WWE Tag Team Championship
Legion Of Doom (c) Vs. Eddie Guerrero & Batista
Considering it was the main event, it was a pretty short match which was surprising. Now, I’m not complaining because it was better for them not to do such a long match, but it’s just kind of weird considering we normally get a match that lasts a while in the main event. Anyway, match was nothing special, but not really necessarily bad. It got over the tag champs more as well as the Batista/Eddie feud and that’s really what matters most in the end. Eddie turned the opening part of the match basically into a comedy match, but what tag team match has Eddie been in (all the way) that he didn’t turn a bit of it into comedy? There really wasn’t much to the match and they didn’t even have a face-in-peril spot which is kind of odd and probably the thing that hurt the match the most. Finish came when MNM came out to clean out LOD and the ref DQed Eddie/Batista because obviously they asked MNM to come out, right? Yeah, that makes sense. Thanks, WWE!
Winners: Legion Of Doom
Star Wrestler: Eddie Guerrero
Without Eddie’s work ethic, comedy, and character, the match probably would have been horrible. I swear Eddie could work a match with a broom and have the crowd into at this point. He is the best worker on the planet and I would be damn foolish not to give him this nod.
After the match, Batista tries to help LOD against MNM, and while Batista is distracted, Eddie nails him with a chair. Before he gets up though, Eddie tosses Mercury the chair and plays possum and Batista goes nuts on Mercury. Batista helps Eddie up and the two hug and celebrate to end the show. The look on Mercury’s face was priceless when he was tossed the chair and I think that’s one of the best possum spots I’ve ever seen to end the bad show pretty well.
Show was pretty bad, in all honesty. Of the six matches, only two were good and one of those was basically a squash. Of the ten promo/segments, only four were good too. That’s a failing grade in my book. The show did do well in building up programs for No Mercy which was needed, but you still could have had better segments, promos, and matches. Looking back, I’m really shocked I watched the whole show. Lashley-Simpson was the match of the night with the US title situation with all four wrestlers being the best segment or promo of the night. Man, I try to be as positive as can be in my reviews, but I am really straining to say good things about this show here. Oh, well, maybe next week’s will be better. That’s going to wrap it up this time, folks. 'Till next time, this is "Squared Circle Reviews" signing off and hoping you enjoy what you watch.
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