Raw emanated from Moline, Illinois this week with the promise of a bitter American vs. a loving one as well as the continuation of the story of one Animal's quest to master the Game.
The usual Raw intro comes on. Funny side note, this is the same intro (with some updated wrestling clips, mind you) and music that Raw has had since the brand extension began over 2 years ago. Meanwhile, SmackDown! Has changed theirs around three or four times. Kind of stupid, in my mind. As much as I love the Union Underground's rock song, methinks it is time for a new song.
My favorite commentators in the business Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler open up the show by informing us that it will be Muhammed Hassan vs. Shawn Michaels today. Also, we learn that Batista will be interviewed tonight. Finally. The pair of wrestling minds continue talking, but soon Trish Stratus' music hits and we go to the first match of the night.
Trish Stratus & Molly Holly vs. Victoria & Christy Hemme
On a sad thought, I am writing this on Wednesday, two days after Raw, and the news has come that Molly Holly and WWE have parted ways after almost a five-year stint together. Kind of sad that this would be Molly Holly's last stint. As Christy came out, I couldn't help but be happy that WWE is actually using her in a wrestling capacity. My only fear is that they will do with her what they did with Stacy in the fall of 2004: three-four matches and BOOM; back to T & A. Oh well, here's hoping they don't!
The match started off with Molly and Victoria, which is understandable considering the history these two have. Of course, WWE doesn't really care about the history, but it's my review, and I do! The two deliver some nice chain wrestling that has me wondering why they are delegated to Heat. Victoria finally gets the better of her archrival and hits some dazzling Japanese Arm Drags followed by a Scoop Slam. Victoria then stands over Molly before shimming for the crowd and delivering a Standing Moonsault. Moonsault, good. Shimmy, bad. Victoria tags in Christy and the Raw Diva Search winner begins to take it to Molly with the kicks. Suddenly, in one of the most unique kicks I have ever seen, Christy kicks up her leg, holds it, and then drops it onto Molly while doing the splits. Kind of hard to explain, but if this is what we can expect from Christy as WWE continues to train her, I am all for it.
Molly comes back and delivers an Irish Whip to Christy. As Christy hits the ropes on the side of the heels, Trish hits her with a harsh kick. Trish is then tagged in and she begins to wail on Christy with some nice Knife Edged Chops. Trish then gets on top of the turnbuckle and lifts Christy up for a nice Sleeper Hold/Choke combination. I didn't think Trish was that strong, actually, so it was a nice little "hello!" Molly Holly is then tagged in and she continues the assault with a low Dropkick to the face followed up by a Half Boston Crab. After a moment of torture for Christy, the redhead begins to fight her way out before tagging in her partner, Victoria. Victoria immediately assumes control of the match, and almost hits the Widow's Peak on Molly as Trish breaks it up with a well placed Chick Kick. Damn, I really wanted to see the Widow's Peak!
Christy gets tagged in again. Trish grabs her from the apron, but Christy then delivers a well-deserved slap to the Queen Bitch herself. Molly then takes control for a little bit and Irish Whips Christy into the corner by Trish. Molly then goes for the Handspring Back Elbow, but at the last minute, Christy pulls Trish in to the side and Trish is giving a nice present in the form of pain. Christy then small packages the stunned Molly and to the delight of the crowd in Illinois, she picks up the win!
Winners: Victoria & Christy Hemme
Star Wrestler: Christy Hemme
There is a ton of negativity on the WWE for using Christy in a wrestling role, and while I can understand some of it, I do disagree. It was not that long ago that Trish Stratus was just a bumbling T & A Diva too, but WWE trained her into one of the best women wrestler's of all time, in my opinion. Christy is taking to her training well and with the unique move set she offers, she is sure to be way more than a T & A girl in the future. Keep it up, Hemme.
After the match, Kane's music hits as he comes out to pay a little visit to the woman who made his wife cry last week, Trish! Trish screams and begins to run off as Kane stalks her like an old horror movie villain. Sadly enough, we don't get to see Trish get killed yet as the commercial break comes on.
Commercial break number one.
As we come back, we see footage of Randy Orton's surgery on his shoulder. A little too graphic for my mind, but it did do a good job of staying in character and setting the table for a Batista-Orton feud, when the Legend Killer returns.
After the footage, we see Stacy Kiebler and a bunch of the Raw Diva Search bimbos talking. No, I still have not learned their names and really do not care too. Do you learn the name of the hooker when you go out for a night on the town? No. So why should I learn the name of the wrestling hookers? Anyway, they begin to talk about how Orton deserved what he got and how Batista is "yummy" in a sense. Basically, they did what they did for Orton back in September-December. Got him over by making it seem like girls find him sexy. Kind of cheap in my mind, but it gets the job done. The mindless banter of the women is then interrupted as Trish Stratus bursts into the room almost completely out of breath. Shortly after, Kane walks in as Trish then screams again and runs off again. Kane delivers a nice menacing look to the Divas as they scream like helpless women. Oh wait, they are helpless.
Coach is then on the screen, and to my surprise, he actually gets one of the strongest heel reactions of the night. The camera pans left after an introduction to reveal Muhammed Hassan and his manager, Daivari. Hassan talks about how he will take down HBK. Not a bad promo, but too much like his other ones for me to care about. Afterward, Daivari does his Arab shtick, which I believe is one of the strongest heel assets in a long time. Every time he does it, annoying or not, it makes you hate him. The two Arab-Americans then walk off as the camera fades to black and we enter our next commercial break.
Commercial break number two.
Back from commercial, the music of Triple H hits and the Cerebral Assassin himself comes out to a nice heel reaction. Not as strong as I expected, but still noticeable. Triple H gets in the ring after some good interaction with a fan berating him via verbal and sign taunts. Triple H brings to mike to his mouth and begins another top-notch promo. Love him or hate him, Triple H has an amazing promo style. He could get on there and play the normal heel role by making excuses for his loss at Wrestlemania. Instead, he admits that Batista was awesome. This is really not something you see from a heel, folks, so pay attention. Triple H goes on about how Batista is on borrowed time and the re-match is signed for Backlash. He says he has been studying the tape of the match trying to find a weakness in Batista, and he has. He sees the fear in the Animal's eyes when he goes for the Pedigree and he is going to use that to his advantage. He continues to talk about the Pedigree and tells him that the whole lie of Batista's title reign will be done when the Pedigree hits. Triple H goes on about Batista screwing up by messing with him, but suddenly the Hurricane's music hits!
Holy Heat wrestler on Raw sighting, Batman! It's the Hurricane. Nice to see the green-clad superhero on Raw for a change. Let's see how this one pans out. Hurricane begins to talk to Triple H about how he claims to be the best, but last time he was in action, he was wearing a mask: a crimson mask as he was demolished by Batista. Then the Hurricane asks in his oh, but subtle way: WHATSUPWITDAT? Triple H then screams a great line that had me choking on some snacks for a while as he told the "green tomato" to listen up. Hurricane then makes me almost die by mocking Triple H's mindless banter. I almost died of choking on that snack, but to see Hurricane mock Triple H in a voice rivaled by Fran Drescher, it was worth it.
Hurricane then talks about how he was beaten down by Triple H a few weeks ago and it hasn't sat well on his Hurri-conscience at all. According to Hurricane quoting another superhero, The Thing, "it's clobbering time!" Hurricane begins to walk down the ramp, yet signals for someone to come out. To no surprise, the former S.H.I.T. himself Rosey comes out to deliver some punishment and retribution to the Game. To a big surprise, the Super Heroes get in the ring and actually begin to beat down Triple H heavily. Hurricane even bounces off the ropes to deliver a huge flying knee to the Game's face. Rosey then follows it up with a humongous splash in the corner. This is amazing. How often do you see Heat jobbers getting the better of a multi-time World Champion? Triple H then gets up stunned and pissed and demands a match now. The ref known to us as Hebner then bolts to the ring as we go into an impromptu match. Goody!
Triple H vs. Hurricane & Rosey
As the match starts, Triple H grabs a chair and gets in the ring with some well-known intentions. Hebner catches on to the devious tactics of the Game and grabs the chair away. Oh, no! Without a chair, where will Triple H ever find the strength to take down Super Heroes? Anyway, Rosey then takes down Triple H and the notion of a squash match in my mind is totally shot. Sucks that a commercial break is coming up. Wait for it. Wait. Wait. Wait.
Commercial break number three.
There it is.
After the commercial at the wrong time, we see that Triple H is of course in control. However, it looks like they got some sweet offense in on the former World Champ in the commercial break. Anyway, Triple H has my favorite Super Hero in a front headlock, but the cliché alarm goes off and he begins to battle out of it. Hurricane then bounces off the ropes and walks right into one of the biggest Spinebusters of all time. My god, Hurricane literally looked like a rag doll as Triple H gave him a Double A style power move. Man, Hurricane can sell. That was probably one of the best moments of the match. Damn, I can still see it in my mind. Anyway, Triple H takes control again and gets Hurricane in the corner, but Hurricane powers out with a European Uppercut out of nowhere. Triple H refreshes himself and sends the Heat jobber flying into the ropes. He then lifts him up for what looked to be a Spinning Back Breaker, but Hurricane counters it into a Hurricarana. Hurricane. Hurricarana. Wow. How did I never see this before?
Hurricane then tags in Rosey who begins to take control. He gets Triple H on the mat and bounces off the ropes to deliver a huge Spinning Leg Drop. This is the same Leg Drop that supposedly injured Triple H’s neck. Five bucks say we don’t see Rosey in the WWE much longer. What was he thinking? Injuring the Boss’ son-in-law. Must have eaten the memo by accident. Rosey continues the onslaught on Triple H by sending him into the corner. Triple H falls into what one would assume is the dreaded "Stink Face" position. Rosey then flies at Triple H and delivers a reverse splash in the corner and just nails Triple H’s head. For some reason, this was just a great move. Simple, yet effective and very cool looking. I’m eighteen. Cut me some slack. Hurricane is then tagged in, and Rosey sets him up for a double team Leg Drop. Looks like someone’s been watching some America’s Most Wanted matches, but for some reason, I enjoyed this one more. Maybe it’s cause I hate TNA, but who knows? Hurricane then delivers a high flying move to his opponent as the supposed "squash" match continues. Triple H, however, must want to teach the definition of squash and show these two jobbers their place in the company. He begins to wail on Hurricane before Rosey tags in. Rosey comes in, so Triple H wails on him too. Just a good ol’ wailing party! Rosey then gets stuck in the ropes and Triple H takes the opportunity to hit the Pedigree on Hurricane and pick up the win in one of the most unlikely squash matches of the night.
Winner: Triple H
Star Wrestler: Triple H
Now, Hurricane almost won this for the selling job he did on that Spinebuster, but Triple H by far made this match incredible by making himself and the Super Heroes look incredible. Screw squash matches; this is how you get people over. Both people.
Triple H then begins to attack Rosey, still hanging from the ropes. He takes the mike and says that "one second, one Pedigree is all it takes and then this is you." He then vows that by the end of the night he will Pedigree Batista. Nice to have a vow. As cliché as it is, when is the last time someone vowed something. I’m sure it happened like last week but my short attention span just saw something shiny. Triple H then goes to the outside and nails Rosey with a Pedigree as well. Otherwise, Rosey might feel a little left out. Now with Triple H looking strong and powerful in probably the best way possible, we need a commercial break. Speak of the Devil.
Commercial break number four.
The obligatory recap footage is then shown as we see a look back on the Wrestlemania Revenge Tour. It’s over, who cares? Moving on, we see Chris Benoit and Batista hanging out. A little pointless, but nice to see them doing so when just about 3 months ago, Batista was kicking the shit out of him.
Chris Masters vs. Seth Skyfire
Wow, I actually didn’t know this guy’s name until the end of the match. Thank you very much, WWE! Anyway, Chris Masters is the center of a lot of criticism lately, but to be honest, I don’t think there is a problem. He plays his gimmick very well, in my eyes and does enough to get over with the crowd. Unfortunately, the crowd literally could care less when this guy came out. It was perhaps the deadest reaction since Goldberg won the title. Well, there’s my hatred for dumb people again, but it’s a little valid in this case. Anyway, the match starts off with a highlight of the Masterpiece’s short career including the Masterlock on every victim. Anyway, the match starts with an amazing use of the turnbuckle to show the strength of Masters. The match continues on with some back and forth before Skyfire climbs to the top to deliver what might have been a Crossbody. But no! But no! But no! But yes? No! Masters counters with a huge gut shot. God, that was amazing. What is it with all these good moves tonight? Christy’s Sustained Leg Drop. Hurricane’s Flying Knee. Triple H’s Spinebuster. And now Chris Master’s Gut Shot. This is officially the "move" Raw. Mental note: no one who hasn’t read my review will get that. Mental note two: get back to wrestling. Masters than locks in the Masterlock and of course, the ref goes from the bell.
Winner: Chris Masters
Star Wrestler: Chris Masters
Yes, he was supposed to win, but I still say that the guy plays the character very well and plus, let me remind you of a little something called the Gut Shot, baby! Overall, Masters is underrated in my opinion and he deserves a lot of credit for making a guy who hates squash matches enjoy a squash match. Plus, he follows this up with an excellent promo.
Masters then takes the mike and delivers an open challenge next week to anyone who thinks they can break out of the Masterlock. Now this is what WWE needs to do. Have someone come out and try to win the thousand dollars that Masters is offering and try and break out of the Masterlock. This will actually make the move look a lot more than just a simple Full Nelson. Now, it is just a Full Nelson, but it’s all how you do it. Think about it. Ricky Steamboat just does a Crossbody. Nowadays, that’s how people start matches. Maybe I’m just optimistic though.
WWE then shows a recap of Shawn Michaels & Muhammed Hassan from last week. Because I haven’t seen that clip on WWE TV since, oh I don’t know, yesterday on Heat? Anyway, WWE then shows a commercial advertising the Raw Diva Search 2005. Great. Just what I want in a wrestling show. Mindless woman running around...not wrestling. Just one question. I know it’s World Wrestling Entertainment, but that’s wrestling entertainment. Entertainment in the form of wrestling, not half naked boring chicks. Get it? Got it? Good. Great! Commercial time!
Commercial break number five.
As we come back from the very long and very mind numbing break, Shawn Michaels comes out to electrify the crowd with his patented entrance. Whoever does not mark out for a Shawn Michaels entrance can shove it. Well, after that entrance, guess who gets to follow it up? A song with words I don’t even understand! Yay! Muhammed Hassan trots out, yet not in ring attire. Hmm, could the baby be backing out? After two seconds of him speaking, I say the answer is yes! Muhammed Hassan talks about how Shawn Michaels doesn’t deserve to face him, and if he really wants to, he has to go through his manager to do it! Yes, this is exactly what I have been waiting for! Shawn Daivari in action! Daivari pops out and looks great; someone has definitely been bulking out. And here we go with a match I’m sure to love.
Daivari vs. Shawn Michaels
First, why are they just calling him Daivari? It’s kind of weird actually to me. Moving on, Daivari catches the quick advantage, but the Heartbreak Kid quickly regains powers in the early going. After some high powered offense, Muhammed Hassan gets on the apron to distract Shawn Michaels. Michaels reaches over and grabs Hassan and starts to try and choke him. Daivari then comes bouncing off the ropes, hops over besides Michaels and Hassan, grabs Michael’s head, and guillotines him right on the ropes. Sounds simple, but man. Like I said earlier, this is the "move" Raw. Definitely don’t tell your friends it was the "move" Raw though. They’ll give you one of those weird eye looks. I get enough of them already; I don’t wish that on anyone. Anyway, like I said, Daivari hit the guillotine on Michael’s throat.
Enter the throat working by Daivari on Michaels.
Meanwhile, a titanic HBK chant begins in the arena. Man, the crowd is literally on fire! Daivari hits a huge a Neckbreaker on the legend to try and quiet the chant. Nope, didn’t work. Daivari then hops up on the turnbuckle and delivers another huge move. This time it was a Leg Drop and man was it good. Daivari then locks Mr. Wrestlemania in a Half Nelson/Chin Lock to weaken his opponent. Well, Shawn Michaels of course powers out and then comes what I like to call "the Heartbreak Shtick." Flying forearm. Nip up. Inverted Atomic Drop. Couple of punches. And then the Elbow Drop. Now this is the part that bugs me. Ric Flair criticized Bret Hart for doing the same routine each and every night. Then he calls Michaels one of the best of all time, when in all honesty, Michaels has probably had five matches in his life when he hasn’t done that. Contradiction? I think so. Now, I still think Michaels is great and the shtick is great, but it’s just something that bothers me every match. This "Heartbreak Shtick" was interrupted at the last move by Hassan though as he jumped up on the apron as Michaels was climbing to the top. Ruin his shtick? How dare you! What do you get? Naturally, an Arm Drag into the ring from the apron. Great stuff! Michaels then begins to pound on Hassan as Daivari runs off and grabs the bell. Daivari jumps in the ring, but the ref grabs the bell away from him. Michaels takes him down with a swift punch, but turns around and walks right into a Low Blow Kick from Hassan. Daivari then hits a Small Package on the legend himself and picks up perhaps the biggest upset of 2005 so far!
Winner: Daivari
Star Wrestler: Daivari
Now, I know I have picked every single person who was won as the Star Wrestler, but it is really deserved tonight. Tonight was Daivari’s first WWE match and it was definitely the best in-ring debut of the past couple years in terms of actual wrestling. The guillotine, the leg drop, the submission, the whole package was amazing. To be honest, I think the roles should be reversed and Hassan should be the manager, but Hassan is a little bulkier, so that’s probably why. Anyway, solid effort by the former Magic Carpet Rider. Well naturally, here comes my favorite part of the night.
Commercial break number six, baby!
Coming back, Shawn Michaels has Bischoff cornered and is demanding to have a Handicap match at Backlash against our favorite Arab Americans. Bischoff keeps saying he won’t sign it, but Michaels keeps pushing him. Bischoff then tells him to find a partner for a tag match, and here we have Shawn Michaels in a big dilemma!
They then show the Stack of the Night, which was Shelton Benjamin running up the ladder to clothesline Jericho. By the way, that was by far one of the best Wrestlemania moments of all time. Jeez, I marked out so much for that. I mark out when people mention it. Crap, I’m marking out just typing it! Anyway, Chris Jericho’s music hits and it’s time for a new Highlight Reel, baby! Jericho takes the mike and talks about how excited he was about the "Money in the Bank" Ladder Match at Wrestlemania, which was his idea, of course. He then talked about how he didn’t win it and he has been in a funk lately. He then traces it back all the way to Taboo Tuesday when Chris Jericho lost the Intercontinental Championship to Shelton Benjamin. Shelton Benjamin is then naturally the guest and the sweet music and pyro hits. Ain’t no stopping me now! I really feel like it needs a "bitch" at the end. I don’t know, but every time I say it in my head, the "bitch" part naturally comes at the end. Oh, well.
Side note number I lost count: Shelton Benjamin has almost held the belt for five months. Last year, Orton was at four months when JR and King couldn’t go five seconds without talking about "how long and dominating" his reign has been. I’m sorry, but Shelton Benjamin’s title reign has been just as long (by the time JR and King were saying that, not when he lost it) and just as dominating. Granted, Orton defeated Cactus Jack in one of the best matches of 2004, but think about what Shelton has done. Four pin fall victories over Chris Jericho. Three over Christian. Et cetera. Basically put, Orton had nine actual title defenses as champion. Shelton? Eleven, and he still is two months shy of Orton. Pathetic on WWE’s part. End rant.
Anyway, Jericho goes on about how he wants redemption for his win. Shelton then stars rubbing his fingers together and says it’s the world’s smallest violin. Now, all he needs to do is the shadow game and the eleven year old transformation will be done. If you didn’t get that, I didn’t enjoy Shelton’s trite joke. Benjamin said he had his chance. Times three, if I may add, which I may. Jericho comes back and says that Benjamin has had it six whole months. "Bravo! Would you like your Hall of Fame plaque now?" And this is why we pay money for WWE to give the mike to Jericho. Jericho says that he made that title. He held it seven times, a record! He hasn’t made it his business until now, either. Really, Chris? I could have sworn those three matches spent trying to get the title back were just you being worried about the WWE World title. Great sense, man. Benjamin then says that he can do things in the ring that no one else can. It may be overrating Shelton a little, but I have to agree. Never have I seen what he did at Wrestlemania. Never will I forget it either. Uh-oh, marking out sparking memory. Quick, remember Goldberg winning the title! Phew, avoided that mark out.
Jericho fires back by asking if he can take that and shove it up his ass. Benjamin then takes his bazooka and fires back with "I can take this fist and make more hits than the last Fozzy album." Damn, that is an insult. Why has no one ever brought that up before? As much as I love Jericho, Fozzy blows and they have yet to have actual success. Of course, the series of good insults had to come to an end as Jericho asks if Shelton has heard Fozzy’s new single "Shelton Benjamin is a little bitch." For some reason, I saw it coming. I watch too much wrestling apparently. They then start to lean a chair at each other. Oh, no! Next they might actually tap the other! Shelton and Jericho then start to go at it before the refs come out and break it up. Now, here is the actual question. Who is the heel? Good thing I got a whole commercial break to ponder it!
Commercial break number seven.
Nope, I still don’t know.
We are then welcomed to the SmackDown! Rebound which recounts the tale of how the tournament came into existence and its first match, JBL vs. Rey Mysterio. Even though SmackDown! was dull last week that was still a top notch match even with the predictable ending.
After the little video package, we see Kane patrolling the halls in lieu of Trish Stratus. He then ducks into a room where we find Lita awaiting him. They tease that she hasn’t seen anything yet, before the two of them embrace in a sweaty Kane kiss that almost made me vomit. It was nice as it made them see incredibly diabolical, and I just love that this whole feud has almost been going on for a year and they are still going with it, but that kiss was just weird.
We then hear Shawn Michaels and here comes the Heartbreak Kid again! Now, why is it that when Triple H is in four segments, everyone bitches that he is taking up too much time, but when Michaels does it, no one says anything. Oh, I know why! Cause everyone sucks! Anyway, Michaels gets on the mike and talks about how he needs a partner for Backlash. He talks about how when he thinks about them, he thinks about how much he loves this country. He talks about his relatives who love the country as much as he does. He then says that he needs a partner who loves it just as much as he does. Hmm, could it be someone who just beat down Hassan two weeks ago and then posed in front of the American flag? Wait, I think it is! Shawn Michaels talks about how he needs someone who is passionate like he is. He talks about asking a favor, more specifically, asking what every WWE fan asks: one more match. See, told you it was Hulk Hogan. Seriously, I was thinking Hogan as soon as Michaels started talking about America. No one believes me, but I do and that counts! Well, half-counts. You sure you don’t believe me? Anyway, Michaels gets the crowd incredibly riled up and they chant "One more match!" for about two minutes. What was really cool was that the crowd never lost the momentum during this segment. This crowd was just on fire tonight and it definitely drove the show too. Of course, I can’t see the end of the momentum as we see Edge walking with a chair and his "Money in the Bank" briefcase backstage and of course, here comes the obligatory commercial break.
Commercial break number eight.
Before we start the action up again, the "Slam of the Week" is there to show us the highlights from Edge vs. Chris Benoit last week which was definitely one of the best television matches of 2005 thus far.
Chris Benoit vs. Christian
Before the match starts, Edge comes out with the chair and briefcase and he sets up camp next to my two favorite commentators. Now, normally they have a third chair for people there. Why did Edge need to bring out his own chair? Way over my head, I guess. Anyway, the match starts off with off with Christian going to work right on the arm of Benoit. Again, predictable, but this might turn out well. Christian then hits an Irish Whip into a huge Hip Toss. He then takes holds him down with a hammerlock. Benoit powers out, and hits Christian with an Enziguri. I’m sorry, but if it isn’t running like Jericho or Arik Cannon, I could care less. Meanwhile, Edge, Lawler, and JR are all delivering some dynamite material. Damn match distracting me from it.
Christian and Benoit continue by exchanging some knife edged chops. As much as I love Benoit, it would be nice to see someone make a bitch out of him through it. Christian is then sent into the turnbuckle. Benoit slides in and Christian had it scouted as he lifts up so Benoit will slide into the post. However, Benoit had THAT scouted as he slides to the left and pulls Christian down for some down under pain. Christian recovers and gets Benoit’ arm on the rope and stands on it to inflict more pain. He then slaps on an Armbar for a while. Meanwhile, the hilarious back and forth antics at the commentary table still continue and I can not concentrate on either. Benoit powers out of the Armbar and he goes for the Crossface. In a neat little counter, Christian spins out, and then the turn around happens for the match picks up as the pace quickens. Benoit sends Christian over the ropes, but Christian lands on the apron. However, Benoit bounces off the ropes and flies into Christian, sending Christian wailing into the barricade. Man, this could be the start of a really good match. Oh, how wrong I was. Benoit and Edge then lock eyes from across the arena as we go into yet another match-interrupting commercial break!
Commercial break number nine.
As we return, Christian has Benoit in a key lock. Of course, Christian is continuing to work on the arm. The same way Edge did last week I might add. The exact same way. Wow, are you sure it’s not April 4th and I’m not watching Edge vs. Benoit? No, scratch that, there’s Edge and JR going at it again, that definitely wasn’t there last week. Oh, wait. What’s that? Christian going after the bandage on Benoit’s arm? I’ve never seen that before or at least in a week. Damn, creative vacuums. Afterwards, Christian then goes for the turnbuckle cover, but the ref comes in quickly to stop him and repair it. While he repairs it, Benoit rolls up Christian in a Small Package for at least a six count, but of course, the ref is distracted. Isn’t that convenient? Benoit is then Armbarred by Christian, and Christian follows it up with what genius way to demolish his arm? Oh, wait. He doesn’t demolish his arm. He just goes after something similar. The throat!
Wait, Doug. The throat is nothing like the arm. DING, DING, DING! We have a winner! Now, I know I’m being very critical of this match, but if you read my reviews, I am really not that negative to promos or matches, so if I’m being negative, you’d better believe it’s for a reason. Now, the choke on the ropes was good as the ref got Christian off and it distracted him while Tomko came in and got a cheap shot in, but still, Armbar into a choke on the ropes? Yeah, good sense bookers! Now Christian is biting. This is officially the most idiotic replica match ever. If it wasn’t for Edge and JR going back and forth with King fueling it, I would have fallen asleep. Literally. I had just gotten off work! Christian continues to work on the arm with a nice modified Armbar, but not nice enough to get me out of the "bored funk." For about the fourth time in the match, Benoit powers out and counters an Irish Whip. Then came a huge collision between the two. It has been a very boring match, but this definitely was a moment to make me hit the rewind button. After another ridiculous power out, Benoit hits a Northern Lights followed by locking in the Sharpshooter. Now let me ask you something. Benoit’s arm has been bandage for two weeks and the center of 99% of the offense that has occurred against him. How in the world does he have the power to do these things? The match has officially pissed me off way too much. Yes, I am watching it as a critic, but it just makes zero sense. In a real fight, I would not work the arm for 10 minute, then randomly choke you, then randomly bite you, then go back to working on the arm. It makes zero sense, people! He then gets up to the top after taking out Tomko, and again just like last week, he misses the Diving Headbutt and slams his arm into the canvas. Christian then goes for the Unprettier, but Benoit counters into the Crossface. Edge ends his brilliant commentary by storming off and walking down to the ring with the chair. He gets up to the ring as Benoit takes down Tomko, and Benoit doesn’t miss a beat as he delivers a dropkick right into the chair into Edge. Good, but doesn’t save the match. Benoit then backs up right into the Unprettier which connects and Christian finally ends the longest match of the night, and the most boring one as well.
Winner: Christian
Star Wrestler: None
Yes, I am being way too critical, I know. But literally, this was so pointless. All it did was waste twenty to thirty minutes trying to get over a feud that they could have done just as easily in five or ten. Granted, this thing has really solidified the Benoit-Edge feud, but WWE really didn’t have to do this to make it that way. I give the star wrestler to no one because neither of them worked hard to make this match stand out, and it definitely looked like they were just trying to re-create last week’s magic way too hard. Benoit. Christian. You guys are incredible and can do a lot better than this. Shape up!
Lucky commercial break number ten! Last one too!
In the beginning of the last segment, we see the best damn commentator in the ring getting ready to deliver the first interview with the new World Champion, Batista! Batista comes out to a huge pop. You know, even when Batista was getting incredible around December, I never expected he would receive this big of a reaction. It’s sad because John Cena doesn’t even get these reactions!
Batista delivers an excellent promo, shunning all the critics who say he can’t handle five minutes on the mike. He talks about how he is hunted, but he is still the predator and he is still the top of the food chain. Anybody who wants to take his title, he’ll chew you up, spit you up, and enjoy doing it. It’s his jungle and he plans on being champ for a long time. Man, Batista really can handle it on the mike, even better than the person who was originally supposed to win the title at Wrestlemania, Randy Orton. It’s so shocking though. Six months ago, I would have thought Batista had about 1 ounce of talent in him, and here I am, waiting just to here him to appear.
Triple H’s music then hits and it looks like the vow will finally be fulfilled! Yay! Triple H comes from behind and goes after the champ. He goes for the Pedigree, but Batista backs up and Backdrops him out of the ring! Man, I’ve seen a Backdrop counter from the Pedigree, but not like that one. I have to give credit to the crowd though. The crowd was just unbelievably hot tonight that it just made everything better. Triple H stumbles back onto the ramp with a mike in hand and starts to shout about how he is tired of "you’re big mouth" and all that other good stuff. He then says he wants a match next week one on one as they will make history. Backlash comes early? Guess not, because then he says he wants JR in the middle of the ring. Oh god, how many times is WWE going to use JR in a wrestling role, and play off the fact that he has no training? At this point, it is just annoying. As Raw goes off the air, Batista looks to be reassuring JR for next week. That will definitely be a must-see main event, let me tell you!
Overall, Raw was off the charts tonight. The show ended badly for me with Christian vs. Chris Benoit and Triple H vs. JR being signed for next week, but I can not overlook everything that happened. The "move" Raw was definitely something you need to watch to believe. Kudos to the WWE and definite kudos to the crowd for driving the wrestlers to do something more. 'Till SmackDown!, this is "Squared Circle Review" signing off and hoping you enjoy what you watch.
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